My Pregnancy Is Revealing My Very Large Unconscious Gender Biases

Don’t you love it when you think oh man. I’m so feminist. I’m so woke. I am so on top of this gender bias thing.

And then you get pregnant. And you’re in India where they don’t tell you the sex of the baby (for good reasons, I think ). But then you also realise that means that you can’t really plan anything. And then I started asking myself, but why do I care that I don’t know? Because…if I’m honest with myself, I realised that I would totally treat a girl different than I would treat a boy. Which is a really really sucky thing to admit to yourself. But I realised its true. At least in my imaginary world, it bothered me that I didn’t know the sex so I couldn’t prepare myself for how I would raise this child.

Why would I think it’s necessary to treat boys and girls differently FROM BIRTH?! WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?! But the subconscious part of me was like…obviously it should be different. It sucks when you have to talk to your subconscious and you don’t agree.

And I thought about it even more. When people were asking me if they thought I was having a girl or boy, I would say girl. Why? BECAUSE THE PREGNANCY HAS BEEN EASY AND THE BABY SEEMS TO REALLY CARE ABOUT ME. WTF IS THAT ABOUT. Does that mean a boy can’t do the same thing?? Is that what my subconscious thinks?? HOW AM I ALLOWED TO THINK THESE THINGS?! And if a boy wasn’t as kind and caring, would I be just fine with it? Or if a girl WASN”T as kind and caring, would that bother me? Would I think something is wrong with her? Would I not hold a boy to the same standards? WHY?!

These are the times I realise I will 100% mess this kid up in some way shape or form. But I guess I just need to accept these facts and try my best.

Dear future child. I apologise in advance for all the ways I will mess your life up. It is pretty much a guarantee.

You’re welcome.

Love,

Your mom.

I think the opposite of consuming is creating

I realised that during this lockdown, I have been REALLY into putting things into my shopping cart(s) online. Luckily the cart to purchase ratio is much smaller (but lets be real, probably larger then I would like it to be).

I guess during lockdown, Netflix can only take you so far. Then you start to want to do other things. Like online shopping I guess. I’m also decently preggers so exercising or other types of physical activity isn’t really an option (ok, it probably is, but I’m also lazy so sue me).

But that’s when I realised that we need some sort of creative outlet to do something. Otherwise people like me will just will go crazy with all the online purchases. Because when you’re creating you’re doing something with your entire being. And that puts you in a different state and gets you out of your mind. And I think that’s what we are trying to do really. Get out of our minds and just be somewhere else.

So I’m going to try and do that. Create. What am I going to create? I have no idea. But maybe that’s what I’m going to figure out today.

(And, well, I have already maxed out all my online shopping budget in the first 10 days of the month…so there’s that)

Good motivation.

Your 30’s are about finding what makes you happy

Photo courtesy of Szilvia Basso

I’m halfway through listening to a podcast with David Rubenstein (one of America’s billionaires). What has struck me so far is his advice: find out what makes you happy in your 30’s. Then see where that overlaps with what you’re good at. Then that’s what you should set out to do. That’s the recipe for success.

He actually started his most financially lucrative and successful career at age 37. Which is super fascinating to me. I think we should talk about things like that more.

Luckily, through my current job, I’m able to start testing my hypothesis about what I’m good at. I have some goals for myself, and I want to see if I can hit them, systematically. And be able to repeat that. I think I can still do a better job of honing in on what piece of what I’m doing is my transferrable skill. I’ve written that down to kind of think about. But I think I have enough data points with me to figure it out, and anything that’s still a gap I can test at work/ask people I work with.

I think I’m still on the path to figuring out what brings me joy. I started asking myself this question a few years ago when NextDrop went down the gutter. Initially I REALLY didn’t know. Like 0 clue. Which is sad, I know. And then I started figuring out things I wasn’t into. Which is also helpful in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, I can’t say I know with absolute certainty even today. But I am definitely closer to pin pointing it. I’m still trying to explore things and see what I like and what I don’t. I am trying to get into faster exploration by just talking to a bunch of people. My strategy now is just talking to as many people as I can, doing different things in whatever capacity I can, and observing my own emotions as I go through this process.

I’m hoping that if I keep doing that, something good will happen.

But I realise that’s what commercial success looks like. Skills + what makes you happy.

At least there’s a slight roadmap here.

As an American, why I love being pregnant in India

Me, being a pregnant woman.

So I guess first of all, surprise! I’m pregnant. That happened. Pandemic baby is on the way. We are due in July. But it’s just crazy how many people think that I should deliver in the US. But what I realised is that pandemic aside, I really really enjoy being pregnant in India. Here are my top 5 reasons.

1. Firstly, we have to answer the question of citizenship. I love India and all but I definitely want my kid to at least start out as a US Citizen and then when they get older they can decide to give it up or not. Luckily I called my local embassy and they basically said it’s pretty straightforward to ensure the kid is a US citizen. I just need to prove that I lived in the US for some amount of time before 14 years, and then at least 5 years after I was 14 years old (something like that). Which is not hard because…well. I did. So they just said bring some proofs, fill out a document and voila, kid will get a US passport. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’m hoping it goes like they say it will. But so far it looks fine.
2. Did I mention India passed a law that made it mandatory for women to get 6 months of PAID MATERNITY LEAVE?! Yeah. Let me say that again. 6 MONTHS OF PAID MATERNITY LEAVE. It’s ridiculously amazing. Obviously I’m going to leave plans on how to cope when I’m gone and I plan to come back afterwards (I mean barring something exceedingly catastrophic happening with either me or the kid- but at that point we would have much bigger problems in life), but I just feel like it’s kind of the best thing ever. I mean, obviously not for my employer, but hey. Now that’s not my problem. I don’t run any businesses anymore- I just get to enjoy the perks of being an employee. I’m also hoping that they like me enough anyway and think the tradeoff is worth it so they’re not like…hating me for life or anything. For my own mental sanity, I just assume they think it’s worth it, and move on with life.
3. I love my gynecologist because whenever I message her, she responds within hours. Like seriously. She prevents me from endless Google rabbit holes (which never end well, lets be real). And lets face it, we all know that 90% of my questions are stupid. But she answers them anyway. Also, I can send her my lab tests over Whatsapp and she just looks at them and tells me things are fine. And the one time it wasn’t she was like eh…maybe you have a small infection- just take this for a few days and let me know if it gets better (in case you were wondering: it did).
4. If you have enough money, you can pay for a REALLY nice delivery room. And by “enough money” I mean like…$2k-$3K MAX. FOR THE ENTIRE DELIVERY AND STAY. Although my husband is pushing us to go for a nicer delivery room, I really want my gynecologist to deliver the baby and she only delivers at this one place. I think it’s nice enough. My husband still makes faces, but I get to make the final call since I am the one who is going to be in the world of pain. I still have to check if insurance covers it but even if it doesn’t, it won’t be a big deal. Probably like…$1K ish. DONE DEAL.
5. Again, if you have money, you have people to help you with EVERYTHING. Full time nanny? No problem. Full time help? Done. We already have a cook and a cleaner (which is AMAZING) and then when the baby comes we’ll probably just step it up a bit (Because in our house I pretty much do nothing and my husband does everything so he wants someone to help cover his housework so he can be with the baby).

There’s probably more reasons, but these were just the ones that came to the top of my head. I’m pretty much living it up. While being knocked up. It’s great.

Money is a game

Photo Courtesy of Emma Matthews

I have been fascinated with things that this dude Grant Cardone says. But I think I like the idea that making money is a game and you just have to learn how to play the game. I don’t think any of us are really taught how to play that game.

I played the lets build a tech startup game. I didn’t like that game too much. I don’t really want to play that game again anytime soon. But what’s really interesting is the micro and small business game. Maybe it’s interesting to me because it’s new. I will have to relearn everything I thought I knew because I think in this game the rules are all different. But it’s fun to start from scratch. The good thing is that I have nothing to lose, and lots to gain. I want to create a crash course for myself in micro and small business (building them). I think that would be fun. The other caveat is that I have to start with little or no money. That’s also an interesting constraint.

But I think it’s possible. Actually I know it’s possible because I’m reading about so many people already doing it. Which is inspiring. It’s not rocket science. We’ve all probably done harder things in life. I think it’s just committing to it and trying a bunch of things that probably won’t work, until something clicks. And that’s called the reality of the world.

Let the games begin.

Trying to do everything RIGHT NOW

Photo courtesy of Marcus Winkler

Does anyone else have this terrible habit of trying to do everything, finish everything, think of everything, right then and there. Not tomorrow, everything should be done NOW! TODAY! Which is really strange because if you think about it, there’s mostly no good reason why.

I know we’re always told that now is better than later, but sometimes, is later actually better? For example, I mean a plant doesn’t instantaneously grow from a seed to an adult. It takes time. Same for people. But why this pressure to complete everything now? What’s with all the life FOMO?

Sometimes I just want to finish something because I think when I do, I’ll feel so much better. Sometimes I’m right. But other times I actually think it’s better to leave it, think about it, talk to other people about it, and do it the next day.

It’s hard finding the right balance between right now and maybe later.

Asking more powerful questions

Photo Courtesy of Junior Ferreira

I feel like I’ve heard so many people talk about this in slightly different ways, and even in different contexts. Some people call it asking $3 questions vs. $3M questions (business people). I the more spiritual world, I’ve heard people refer to it as asking “more empowering questions” to the Universe. Either way, there’s a lot of smart people saying something similar, which means that there’s probably something to this concept.

I’ve been trying to practice that around me too. Instead of asking “why don’t I have enough for *insert some goal or desire here ” I want to ask “What would it take for me to *insert big idea here*”. Even in the business context, when I went through Y Combinator, I think mentors played a critical role in asking the right questions. For example, a classic question was always, “What would it take to accomplish your 10 year plan in 3 years”? It’s less about actually doing it, but more about realising what are the limiting factors to success, and focusing on those. Or sometimes it’s about just asking for the right resources to accomplish your 10 year plan in 3 years- I mean why not if it’s possible?

I think asking better questions helps us see more possibilities in the world. It helps us think beyond ourselves and imagine something bigger.

Because I believe that if you can dream it you can do it.

I think a lot of time the problem is really dreaming big enough, and figuring out what resources you need to make that happen.

I Think I’m Ready to Be an Entrepreneur Again

Photo courtesy of Danielle MacInnes

It’s been a long long long long long time. Did I mention it’s been a long time? It’s been a long time. But when your company blows up in your face I imagine it takes some time. But also, I think the upside to the company blowing up in your face is you realize that your life is more than your company.

I was telling my friend who is going through a hard time right now that usually the most painful things in your life tend to actually be the windows to something way better. Obviously not in the moment or anything (because lets face it you just want to punch people in the face and hide in the closet the whole day- usually oscillating between both of those things) but lots of time afterwards, it’s usually something that you can see the positive change that it produced in your life.

For me, the whole company blowing up opened my eyes to a whole new world really. Where not everything has to be about work (GASP). I’m a Type A person so this is especially hard for me, but sometimes when you don’t have anything else to do, all you really can do is…relax. Appreciate all the other stuff life has to offer. Take up a job that you can actually do pretty well at. You know, with goals and deliverables that aren’t like…MAKE SURE THE COMPANY DOESN”T DIE.

And I’m not going to lie, it’s been really nice to actually do well at something for once (at least in my own head) where I think that I’m doing all right. I have no idea what my boss thinks, but all things considered I think I did all right. And even if she says otherwise well…I disagree. So there. I’ve also realized that you being happy with your own work (regardless of what other people think) Is actually the most important thing. Way more important than how successful other people think you are, or how well other people think you’re doing.

I also started listening to podcasts again (which I highly recommend) and I was listening to this podcast by with Lewis Howes and Grant Cardone. There’s a lot of people who this will probably rub the wrong way, but I realized sometimes you just have to be in the right mindspace for it to hit. It was hard for me to listen to this, but one thing that struck me (and there were many many things that struck me but this is the most relevant right now) is that Grant Cardone only took off when he was 50 years old.

Let me say that again- HE TOOK OFF AT 50. Which to me was really inspiring. Our society really likes to talk about young people making it big, but the reality is probably more like…as people get older they get smarter and they are in a better position to succeed. Being young has its advantages, but damn, so does being older! And I must say I think I’m still pretty young. I feel pretty young. I feel like I have so much more to offer the world. I feel like I’m just getting started.

It’s time to start thinking about what that looks like and how I can contribute more to the world around me. What problems am I passionate about solving now at the age of 34?

That’s what I’m thinking about nowadays.

“Timepass”

So this is a word that’s super Indian (aka if you know what this means then either you have a LOT of Indian friends or well..you know. You’re very Indian.)

But I was really intrigued by this word when I first got here because I had no idea what it meant. It’s basically one word for the phrase “the things that I do when I’m super bored and really have nothing better to do.” It’s not the same as a hobby, or even “what I do in my free time” because even that implies enjoyment or some greater purpose (at least when someone asks you what you do in your free time, you have to say SOMETHING otherwise you sound like a strange person).

This concept is foreign to me, because I’ve had almost every hour scheduled for most of my life, so I did not understand this word at ALL. In college the scheduling was like…down to the 15 minutes. I also suffered from a lot of anxiety, so…it explains a lot.

But lately I feel like it may be a healthy thing to do. I have lots of “timepass” recommendations. Especially from le Netflix. I still don’t know how I feel about it though. Does that mean I’m not living intentionally? The overachieving, type – A version of me is dying a little, and quite mortified that I’m even considering something like this. HOW CAN YOU DO THINGS WITH NO PURPOSE?!?! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

But I think this whole concept of “scheduling” and “productivity” is very very American. I can’t even say “Western” because I think other European cultures are very different.

Why does every moment of every day need to be productive for me to feel…I don’t even know. Accomplished? But to what end? What am I accomplishing? Am I getting an award for being the most productive individual or something? And even so, what does that even mean? Am I happier? Whose agenda is this serving, really? Because in all of this, I’m usually an anxious, nervous wreck.

I know an alternative now because my husband is appalled at the fact I have a calendar FOR PERSONAL PURPOSES. WHO DOES THAT?! And the American in me is like HOW DO YOU NOT SCHEDULE YOUR LIFE TO OPTIMISE EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY?!

It’s an interesting cross roads. I have no idea what the conclusion is, but I thought I would present the case, to the general internet audience. Just for kicks.

The difference between my reaction to negative social media comments as a 23 year old, and as a 33 year old.

So I went on a social media purge for like…a bazillion years. Ok maybe it was closer to 4 (but isn’t that the same thing in the social media world?). I’m really really glad I did. Turns out I still stayed in touch with my close friends and family (GASP). But there are benefits to social media that I’m definitely all about. So I thought that it was time to actually get back on and start posting things. On le Instagram.

Low and behold, as soon as I posted, I got a hateful comment. LITERALLY WITHIN 1 HOUR OF POSTING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 4 YEARS. I AM NOT KIDDING. I was like…seriously? And not on my current post- something I posted 4 YEARS AGO. 4 YEARS AGO PEOPLE. WTF.

Anyway. This is when I realized what a difference a decade makes. Isn’t that a weird thing to say? But oh man. This is one of the many reasons I love getting older. I thought I should document the difference in my 23 year old self reaction vs. today.

*Insert some hateful comment about a social media post here referencing narcism, nobody cares about you, something something something something horrible person*

23 Year old Anu:

“OMG am I really a narcissist?? Let me check that picture again. Maybe it was a bit egotistical? I mean do people actually care about my hair? GOD WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I was wondering if I should even post this at all. I never like posting things with my face in it. I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT! Maybe I should just take down this post before anyone else sees it. Should I do that? Oh God but then what will people who DID see it think? That I’m embarrassed? Oh man, WHY DID I DO THIS?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! Can I just go hide in a corner and die? Is that an option? AHHHHHHHH!”

33 Year old Anu:

“Hm. Interesting. Is there anything that has critical merit in this comment? Am I offending someone unknowingly, or am I missing some critical pieces of information? Any knowledge gaps this person is trying to educate me on? Ok nope. Check. Next- who actually posted this. Lets see. Oh wow. This person has nothing posted at all on their account. So definitely not someone who has actually tried to put themselves out there and, in Brene Brown’s words, tried to Dare Greatly (i.e. not someone’s opinion I have any reason to take seriously). Check. Wow, I feel kind of bad for this person. How much hate do they bottled up inside that they need to take it out on me, some internet rando? Wow. But yeah. That’s…also not my problem. Blocking this person from ever seeing my posts again. The end. Lets have some chai now.”

One of the many many reasons I love getting older.

The end.