Don’t you love it when you think oh man. I’m so feminist. I’m so woke. I am so on top of this gender bias thing.
And then you get pregnant. And you’re in India where they don’t tell you the sex of the baby (for good reasons, I think ). But then you also realise that means that you can’t really plan anything. And then I started asking myself, but why do I care that I don’t know? Because…if I’m honest with myself, I realised that I would totally treat a girl different than I would treat a boy. Which is a really really sucky thing to admit to yourself. But I realised its true. At least in my imaginary world, it bothered me that I didn’t know the sex so I couldn’t prepare myself for how I would raise this child.
Why would I think it’s necessary to treat boys and girls differently FROM BIRTH?! WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?! But the subconscious part of me was like…obviously it should be different. It sucks when you have to talk to your subconscious and you don’t agree.
And I thought about it even more. When people were asking me if they thought I was having a girl or boy, I would say girl. Why? BECAUSE THE PREGNANCY HAS BEEN EASY AND THE BABY SEEMS TO REALLY CARE ABOUT ME. WTF IS THAT ABOUT. Does that mean a boy can’t do the same thing?? Is that what my subconscious thinks?? HOW AM I ALLOWED TO THINK THESE THINGS?! And if a boy wasn’t as kind and caring, would I be just fine with it? Or if a girl WASN”T as kind and caring, would that bother me? Would I think something is wrong with her? Would I not hold a boy to the same standards? WHY?!
These are the times I realise I will 100% mess this kid up in some way shape or form. But I guess I just need to accept these facts and try my best.
Dear future child. I apologise in advance for all the ways I will mess your life up. It is pretty much a guarantee.