Does This Make Me Look Fat? (And Other Highly Irrational Questions I Ask)

Do you ever see yourself do something and you’re like…nooo….not that thing…WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT THING?! DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT…and then it’s just too late and the train wreck which is your life is in progress.  Ok not all your life.  Just situations where you are acting incredibly irrationally.  Like when you break down in tears because…YOU CAN’T DO THE LAUNDRY (and lets be real, by “do” the laundry, it’s pick up the phone to use the app to call someone to pick up your clothes- this is Bangalore people who with the internet does anything themselves these days?)

It’s not even a nervous breakdown because…well…that card was already played. (And you’ve kind of felt that sort of stress before and this doesn’t feel like that).  It’s more like…holy shit.  THIS IS HOW I AM.  I do and say and act incredibly irrationally. A MAJORITY OF THE TIME.  Ok ok ok maybe not a majority of the time.  But way more times than you’d like. In your head you’re like…bordering on the genius and clarity of thought of a modern Indian Nassim Taleb…and then you watch yourself….completely eat shit.  Just…faceplant.  Metaphorically speaking.  (I mean, literally speaking too sometimes- less often now which is nice).

The Art of Thinking Clearly is more like the art of …. Jesus Christ this is really really hard who does this anyway, and is there an Evernote shortcut for this? And…my brain is really really tired can I just cry and/or yell? Because that’s waaaay easier.  No wonder it’s the weapon of choice for kids everywhere.  Question: If you are trying to do this “Adulting” thing, can you do the whole yelling and crying arbitrarily? Is that allowed? Or is it more…only if it’s socially acceptable and proper?  Like only if your house is on fire it’s ok, and not ok if you want to randomly yell at a rock on the road because…just because? Follow Up Question: Is randomly crying while you wear sunglasses in the back of an Uber allowed? Like you’re kind of heave sobbing while he is driving and he can like…kind of see you in the rear view mirror but you’re also wearing sunglasses so he thinks maybe that’s just the way you breathe and he’s caught in between wtf should I do is she dying do I need to go to the hospital and…maybe if I just ignore her she’ll stop?

Maybe this is why people use drugs.

DAMN YOU DRUGS AND YOUR SOLUTIONS FOR WORLD PROBLEMS.

(This post does not formally endorse or NOT endorse drugs.  But if you are a child and are reading this, say no to drugs.  Smoking kills.  But wait a minute- if you’re a child, are you even allowed on the internet? Actually, I think you have way bigger problems than drugs if you’re a child and reading this.  Oh god.  Kids and the internet.  Horrifying.)

So This One Time When I Went On A Slow Carb Diet (For 7 hours)

Yes. That’s the longest I could last. I think it doesn’t help that I don’t eat meat or eggs.  Kind of makes ingesting protein really hard.  But there’s a bigger issue at hand here.  I think every woman, from Twiggy to Priyanka Chopra, has had (at some point in life) body issues.  I think any woman that says they never had is a liarface and I never want to speak to them again.  Unless they are some sort of Zen Buddhist enlightened monk or something.  Then it’s fine.  But for the rest of us mortals. UGH. BODY ISSUES. UGH.

I think for the longest time I just ignored them.  And by ignored them I pretended everything was fine but then I would exercise like crazy and eat practically nothing.  I was an awesome size 4 this is true.  But then those headaches were a bitch.  I’m just saying.  Not doing that again.

Also I think this idea of “healthy” is such crap.  What does that mean anyway? If you go to the guy at Golds Gym he’ll tell you that 18% bodyfat is obese so you being your 25% bodyfat self has no hope (Yes, this happened when I was in college and I basically yelled at him and asked for his education credentials and said douchey things like Google is smarter than you what am I paying you for).  If I go to the doctor, they say everything is fine.

 

BUT I DON”T FEEL FINE PEOPLE.  This is the problem.  At least I know how I feel. And I don’t feel fine.  I feel lazy and lethargic and I used to get up in the morning ready to go but now I”m like…ugh.  UGH.  Le sigh.

And also, I HATE CLOTHES SHOPPING.  Because what are you supposed to buy? Are you supposed to buy things that fit you RIGHT now? Because I mean, I hope I don’t stay like this for hundreds of years, but at the same time who knows how long this will be so….what. Do I just drop a few hundred dollars to buy the clothes that fit me now? Should I just buy baggy clothes that can fit me at any size? Should I just put off buying clothes at all until the day I feel happy with all of this?

Can I just say – side note.  Indian clothes are great because most of them use drawstrings so it doesn’t matter what your waist size is, THE SAME PANTS WILL FIT THEY ARE AMAZING.

Ok back to my rant about clothing.  Le sigh. I’m tired of ranting too. I think I have to go back and figure out…how to reconsile the fact that this is my body and I”m not getting another one, and it’s actually not so bad, but I need to know how to service it and do all the scheduled maintenance and stuff on it.  It did not come with an instruction manual. That would have made things a lot easier.

Dear God. In your next iteration of humans, can you insert an RFID chip that basically serves as an instruction manual for service and maintenance on this body that we inhabit? That would be super helpful. K. Thanks.

 

 

 

The Difference Between Your First #Startup And Your Second One

I feel like I’m living that Luvs commercial: First kid, second kid.

Company Logo:

Startup #1:

$700 and 3 months later, we have a logo (which we change a year later)

Startup #2:

“Hey Devin, I think we need a company logo”

“Oh… yeah. Probably”

“Hey can we just use a glyphicon from the noun project?”

“Let me check..yeah.  We can”

$2 and 10 minutes later, we have a logo.

Company Website:

Startup #1:

$2000 and 2 months later we have a website (which we promptly change after 1 year)

Startup #2:

Code Academy Bootstrap Course: $7

Download Free Boostrap Template: Free99

$7 and 2 weeks later, we have a website.  

 

 

 

I Love You, But Would You Hate Me If I MIGHT Love My Maid More?

It’s true.  Any woman with a good maid will tell you that a good maid is hard to find.  First of all, I feel very Indian talking about maids.  Like very very upper class, let them eat cake sort of Indian.  Which is weird.  I feel like I try to compensate by making them tea after they clean my house.  Or offering them juice.  It’s the American in me coming out. It just feels wrong.  WHY MUST I ENCOURAGE CLASSISM?! Maybe if I was British I’d feel more ok with this whole maid thing.  But in any case, I don’t feel weird enough to NOT have a maid- lets be clear here.  I’m not that crazy.  I effing love my maid.  She’s the best.  I mean she cooks AND cleans my house.  HOW IS THIS ANYTHING BUT AMAZEBALLS?  She is probably one of the best things in my life.  No joke, if she doesn’t come for more than a day or two, I start to hyperventilate and wonder how my life will go on.  I genuinely question this.  I think about if I’ll starve, and also, where did she leave the mop/dish cleaning equipment (I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THAT THING IS CALLED- is it a scrubber? A dish scrubber? WTF.  I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER)

What really sealed the deal is that my boyfriend is over at my house a lot.  And she hates it.  Like really really hates it.  Because well.  I mean. Lets be super gender biased here and just play out the stereotypes.  She has more to clean now.  I love that he cooks, but she hates that she has to clean his…artwork.  The kitchen definitely looks like a Jackson Pollock painting after he is done.  And she hates it.  To the point where today she kind of said look.  If this doesn’t get better, I may have to go.  She didn’t say it outright.  But there was that threat.

And my first thought was genuinely- GOD DAMNIT HE NEEDS TO BE AT MY PLACE LESS! I CANNOT LOSE MY MAID! I WILL STOP BEING LAZY AND GO OVER TO HIS PLACE! PLEASE MAID DON’T LEAVE ME! I WILL DIE WITHOUT YOUUUUUUUUUU

I feel like that makes me a terrible girlfriend. Picking my maid over my boyfriend. But there. I said it.

What can I say? Basic necessities sometimes may have to win over love.  I’m just saying.  He wouldn’t want me to starve or die would he? Really, I’m doing this for us.

When You Are Your Own Biggest Dream Crusher

Lately, my day has been starting with WTF Anu.  WHAT ARE YOU SAYING.  Is that what you really think about yourself and what you want to do with your life?  Just kidding- that’s what it SHOULD have started out with, instead of just being in a funk and accepting the heresy that my brain tells me, about myself and my life, as absolute truth.

Turns out, I’m my own biggest dream crusher. Of all time.  Kind of like Candy Crush, but much more sinister, and less fun. My problem is that now that I’m heading home, I remember all the things that everyone says about how I’m making (X,Y,Z) decision totally wrong. And I’m screwing up my life.  And I’ll regret it forever.

Also I’m probably killing puppies.  Not really, but the way they look at me, you’d think I was.

I have mostly realized that I don’t really have an absolute plan.  If I say anything otherwise, it’s mostly lies.  Apparently, this goes against nature, mankind, God, and Monday Night Football.  I’m only assuming this, because it seems to be heretic to say these things.  It is unfathomable to not have a, come hell or high water, this is what I will do plan.

And by plan, maybe because I’m a woman, or maybe because my ovaries expire soon and I can’t get a refund or whatever, my plan needs to include a man. A man plan.  Hell, at this point maybe a woman would be ok.  I’m not really sure.  It doesn’t matter.  Point is, significant others need to be involved in this plan.  Because I won’t be able to procreate and make sure our human species doesn’t die out.  Because we are close to extinction and me spreading my genes will save us from destruction.  Oh wait. That’s a different Will Smith movie.  Right.

Which begs the question, WHY AM I TRYING TO ANSWER QUESTIONS WHICH I HAVE NO ANSWERS TO?! And more importantly, why is my brain beating me up for not being able to answer these questions? It’s like those kids that just keep asking why all the time.  At first it’s cute, then it makes you think and you are happy to think about it, but after the 5th why, you’re just over it.  It’s really unproductive and annoying. I’m at the 6th Why. Now it’s just tiring.

I can’t tell you why I choose to do the things I do.  And more importantly, why do I need to? And why do I feel inadequate for not having answers? Does that make these decisions wrong? No. I think it just makes them hard to explain. Two very different things.

That’s the hard thing about hard things.  Sometimes they don’t make sense.  You just need to jump and hope you fly.  And if you don’t, know that you won’t die, and you can try again tomorrow.

After all, isn’t tomorrow another  day or something?

It’s Going to Take However Long It’s Going to Take

I’m somewhat sleep deprived, and in this personal hell hole which I create for myself, I feel the world caving in on me. Ok ok I’m being dramatic, but from going to sleeping 8 hours every day to have a day or two with 5-6 hours of sleep, I’m definitely being a sleep diva.  But you know what? I like being a sleep diva. I’m going to keep being a sleep diva because god damnit I love my sleep. I feel like the world is full of sunshine and rainbows and unicorns whenever I sleep enough.  JUST BY SLEEPING.  It doesn’t even matter what happens to me. HOW AMAZING IS THAT.

Except not today. No. Today I’m trying to prioritize 50 things which is really hard for me to prioritize in my sleep deprived brain. God damn you sleep deprived brain.  I hate you. I’m kidding. I love you. Except you’re being really rude right now. You need to stop saying all these terrible things to me. BRING BACK NICE ANU BRAIN ON 8 HOURS OF SLEEEEEP.

 

Ok yes this is rambling. But getting back to the point of all of this, I realized that shit takes as long as it’s going to take. Trying to hurry something, especially something creative, is a waste of time. If I want to produce quality, it’s going to take the time it’s going to take. Period.

And no whiney sleep deprived brain is going to do anything about it.

Le sigh. Back to trying to do my personal finances, pay bills, get a presentation done, finish a website, trying to get done in time to actually go out on a Friday night and not stay at home with television and computers, and grant applications. Oh. Clean email inbox. Oh. Bank not shutting down my bank accounts for not providing proper documentation.

Yes. All going to get done.

When Did I Become So Whiney?

One day you get up and you’re like…WTF.  Why do I complain about everything and never seem satisfied with anything?  And you kind of see yourself looking at yourself from above and you think damn.  This is a recipe for disaster.  One thing happens and then another thing happens and then when the world doesn’t act according to your plan (spoiler alert: It NEVER DOES) you get pissy and horrible and obnoxious.  WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN.  WHAT IS THE POINT OF BEING PISSY AND HORRIBLE AND OBNOXIOUS?!

I mean lets just play through this scenario.  I’m being a pain in the butt, and really, life isn’t going to change just because I’m throwing a hissy fit.  It doesn’t work that way (believe me, I’ve tried).  And then to top it off, the people who are trying to help you out and help you feel less terrible are being treated like crap, because, lets face it, you think the world owes you something and you’re being victimized by God and it’s just not fair, nobody will understand and everyone has it better.  Obviously.  (Hence the temper tantrum).  So then you alienate everyone and everything and then you’re sitting at home watching Netflix reruns of God knows what eating lots and lots of Ben and Jerry.  Besides helping out the sales targets for Netflix and Ben and Jerry’s, this really doesn’t benefit anyone else.  (Unless you pirate shit and grow your own food and make your own food, then you are literally not helping anyone, and you are literally useless.  You should really be ashamed of yourself).

Anyway.  I guess today I got up and I was like…WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?! I mean, I don’t know the answer to that question, but the more basic question is…WHY AM I JUST NOT DECIDING TO BE HAPPY?! I mean really.  WHY NOT?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! (Yes, the answer is lots of things, but for the purposes of discussion lets limit it to the fact I am not choosing to be happy otherwise you will turn into my therapist).

Life is life man.  It’s going on no matter how you choose to feel. So why the HELL would we not choose to enjoy it?

I really have no idea.

I’m going to start asking myself this every morning.

 

Every Day Is Terrifying #Startup

So I’ve realized that when describing the entrepreneurial journey, “exhilarating” is the sanitized version of “effing terrifying”.  All those “successful” entrepreneurs who are looking back on life thinking, oh yeah, it was so cute back then- remember “the struggle”?  Le sigh, the good old days.  Well I call bullshit.  Ok let me rephrase that.  I am 90% positive I will say the same thing when I look back on this growth phase (until I re-read these entries and remember, oh yeah, that was some sucky ish going on there)  because I can see where they are coming from.  Every day is terrifying but not in the ways it used to be terrifying.  It used to be nauseous terrifying – i.e. I get up every morning with pseudo morning sickness (minus the benefits of birthing an actual child into the world after it all), wondering if we will be alive in 3 months.  Basically it was hmmm…so….do I need to be getting another job or something?

And now it’s not nauseous terrifying, it’s more like…can’t breathe and painful terrifying.  Sort of like being in labour, with all the pain and anguish and screaming and jesus christ just get it over with already that it entails (again without the benefits of birthing an actual child into this world).  You know it’s worth it in the end, you know that you can do it, you know you’ve got it, but GOD DAMN is it painful.

On a completely unrelated side note, is it weird that all my analogies have now become related to birthing children?  But wow it works so well.  Morning sickness, labour, then..BIRTH.

But back to the being in labour phase.  Because we all love that mental image.  BUT IT IS SO APT.  It’s just SO MUCH PAIN.  And doing and saying things that…the second it comes out of your mouth you think…oh god.  Lets take that back.  I’ve had to apologize to employees recently for getting upset at things and being rude in ways I never was before (or ever really thought I would be).  BUT THIS PHASE BRINGS IT OUT IN YOU.

The other thing you do a lot in this phase is rely on your support network to get you through.  That’s clutch.  Otherwise it’s just a lot of pain and nobody to help you through.  Isn’t that why there’s always someone holding the pregnant woman’s hand during the screaming and crying while they sit there saying don’t worry it’ll be ok bits? (I don’t know if that’s just a Grey’s Anatomy thing, but I’m going with it because it works here and it supports my theory and I’m all about that right now with this elaborate analogy thing).  Your support system.  Hold them close.  Check.

ANYway.  Yes.  It’s all painful.  And terrible.  And growth-ifying.  Why do we all do it you ask? I don’t know. It’s the same thing I ask mothers after they just spend a bazillion hours in ridiculous amounts of pain.  And most of them (well, most of them that have children over the age of 6 at least) say it was totally and completely worth it (I think it takes a few years to look back with that warm motherly glow).

So here’s to lots of pain, and hoping to get through it all in one piece (and not kill anyone in the process).

 

 

 

Sometimes I Get Up in The Morning Thinking: OMG What If I Am Single FOREVERRRRR

Usually it’s accompanied by a bit of nausea, not the morning sickness kind, more the…I should go eat some food because I’ve been hungry for 8 hours kind.  It’s the more dull kind, in case you were wondering, and are one of those lucky people that never get sick.  (I hate you FYI. Only a little bit though).

But I digress.  The point is, yes, sometimes I think..holy shit.  What if I stay single FOREVER?! I mean seriously, what evidence is there that this will actually pan out here? (And by this, I mean relationships with, in my case, the opposite sex, of the romantic kind, just to be clear). When has this even been remotely close to happening at all EVER?!

And not in the self pity, woe is me sort of way.  More the damn, no really though, how do I even start thinking about this, can I just avoid it forever and 1984 this ish oh wait I can’t DAMN.  Oh god the terror.  The absolute and sheer terror of knowing that the ENTIRE WORLD HAS STARTED THIS PROCESS EXCEPT YOU.  Do you know how terrifying that feels? Sort of like Atlas, pre-shrug.  WHAT IS THIS THING THAT EVERYONE IS DOING THAT I HAVE NOT PARTOOK AND I PROBABLY NEED TO.  I have felt this way before.  Yes, it was in the 1st grade when everyone was playing cooties, and scientifically speaking I thought it was ridiculous because cooties don’t exist and I tried telling people that and they didn’t seem to care so I just waited it out and while EVERYONE WAS PLAYING COOTIES I..(I forgot what I was doing, I think I played on the monkey bars).  But see, my strategy was to wait it out and then everyone gets over it.  UGH.

See, the issue isn’t the actual being in a relationship with the person that you are totally and completely into.  IT’S EVERYTHING BEFORE THAT.  All of that … absolute SHIT that EVERYONE has to go through before..you know. The good stuff.  HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT?! I think I would just cry all the time. Oh wait, yes I tried it once, that is EXACTLY what happened. What is this putting yourself out there business? UGH.

Fine. FINE. Considering I can’t avoid the pain, the horror, the terror, all of the shit, that is, probably, now that I think about it, part of the human experience, I may as well get on with it. No, I won’t go kicking and screaming (although I have thought about it) I’ll start this process with grace and dignity.

Oh who am I kidding, it’s going to be awkward and painful as balls.

Le sigh.

So This One Time, I Fell In The Gap

I’m sure you’re always wondering why on public transportation public service announcements they always talk about “Mind The Gap”.  I mean the gap between the metro/subway and the platform.  And you’re thinking, WTF why would you keep saying that?

Let me tell you.  It’s because YOU CAN FALL INTO THE GAP.  I FELL INTO THE GAP.  For real. No joke.  Well, to be fair, my leg fell right through the gap in the Delhi Metro.  And it got stuck.  And I was thinking huh, that would suck if the metro started moving. And despite what Bollywood would have you believe, handsome rich men do not help you out.  Nice old fat ones do.  I mean I am thankful but it’s definitely not the best way to find a rich husband, in case you were wondering.  Just sayin.

My leg did not get amputated, and all that was really bruised was knee, thigh, and ego.  But you know, what’s new.

And now you know. That you really should mind the gap.