Funny, happiness, Life, marriage

Sometimes You Just Need To Run Away And Be A Moose Farmer in Canada

To be clear, I didn’t ACTUALLY do it.  But I was definitely fantasizing about it pretty much all of last week.  This happens a lot less than it used to, and actually the fantasy has changed from being a pastry chef in Paris to moose farming in Canada. As I get older I think I’m just more practical with my fantasies.  I mean, lets be real here.  I’m never going to be baking or cooking anything anytime soon.  Moose farming in Canada though- very possible.  Very practical fantasy I must say.  (I think I should get a gold star for that one).

Anyway, where does this need to run away from the world stem from you may ask.  Well it used to be from work, but now I’ve just made peace with work in that it’s always going to feel crazy but crazy is the new normal and I’m just accepting it.  No.  This time it’s from this thing people tend to call RELATIONSHIPS. Oh god.  Yes.  Relationships.  Apparently people have them.  And I avoided it for the longest time and I avoided it right into getting married.  I mean planning a wedding now. Which is basically the route to mental instability.  AND I HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED YET.  I think both of us hate this whole planning process.  Hence we both hate talking about it.  Except I still try to talk about it.  And then blam.  Terrible – ness.  And I want to run away and be a moose farmer in Canada.  Literally I was thinking…well…if we never get married then we never have to deal with this shit.  Hmmm….What if we just never get married? Can we swing that? Forever? And then the rational part of me was like…Anu.  Seriously.  REALLY?! WHY ARE YOU OVERREACTING HERE?!

So what was going on in real life during this whole time I was weighing all of these possibilities and planning my life around being a moose farmer in Canada? Lots of crying.  Mostly just me being upset and future husband not knowing why and me just being like I DON”T KNOW WHY I”M CRYING BUT I FEEL BUTT-HURT AND YOU PROBABLY DID SOMETHING WRONG BUT I”M NOT SURE WHAT  IT IS YET LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY BAG OF CHIPS AND TRASHY TELEVISION GOD DAMNIT!!!! This went on for a few days.  Until finally I did some research and actually found videos explaining these weird emotions I was experiencing.  I like how I need to go to YouTube to find videos to explain my emotions. To myself. While I binge watch terrible television and eat lots of chips.  This is the process, what can I say.

Anyway. And then I sent said videos to man friend and was like..yes.  This is what I was feeling all last week.  THIS.  (If you are ever in said situation where you think your partner did something wrong because you’re really pissed and angry after they said something but you can’t really figure out why and they keep asking what they did and you can’t pinpoint exactly what it is BUT YOU KNOW THEY DID SOMETHING please refer to these YouTube videos: Why we pick difficult partners and Why We Go Cold On Our Partners).

Totally a thing.  And so now I feel better.  I mostly like my life right now.  I do need to shower, but other than that I’m pretty happy.  But also totally fleshing out this Moose farming thing.  In case this shit actually needs to happen.  I probably need some fake identities.  Need to get on that.

Anyway, happy Saturday folks.

happiness, Startups

All You Need Is Love

Maybe its the holiday season, but also when you are trying to build a company from scratch (for the second time) you remember all the things you wish you knew the first time around.

For a company to survive you need way more than love. Actually, what you need is a lot of money.  Ideally the company generating it in the form of revenue (not bleeding it in the form of investor cash).

But for humans, I’m of the opinion that it’s about love.  We humans can survive with a lot less money than love.  In fact, after a certain point, almost everyone across the charts would trade money for love.

I have a lot of love in my life.  I know this because of all the wonderful humans that took me in and helped me while I was down and out and I didn’t really have much and I hated everything ever.  And that makes me feel very wonderful.

But a lot of times when I’m in the midst of the whole building and running a company thing (and I”m like ahhhhh WTF this is scary and gross and what am I doing ahhhhhh), I forget about the fact that at the end of the day, I have one of the most important things I need to survive.  Love.  And lots of it from lots of people in lots of forms. And it’s amazing.

And I’m so grateful.  And honestly with that base, I can do anything. You can do anything. We can do anything.

It’s a very empowering feeling.


happiness, Life, Life Goals

Sometimes The World Breaks You Down

It’s really funny because now that I’m reviewing all the things that I want to change (because you know what they say, if you keep doing the same thing expecting different results, that’s literally defined as insanity), I’m realizing that most of the things I want to change have me going back to the way I used to be.  And by used to be, I mean how I was growing up.  How I was back in high school.  How I was in college (at least the first two years).

I think the biggest difference is that I didn’t know what the real world felt like back then.  I didn’t have anyone telling me that I couldn’t do it, or my own experiences telling me how difficult things would be and how I’m just not measuring up (yet).  And I thought the way to cope with the world was to…assimilate. Believe the constructs people told me to believe.  Being nice doesn’t pay off.  Hard work isn’t enough.  You need to be doing the right thing.  You need to work your ass off to make it.  Oh yeah, you’re probably not going to make it.  You’re not going to make the money you think you’re going to make.  Life doesn’t work out the way you think.

And to be honest, a lot of that is true.  Except here’s the thing- the solution isn’t changing the ways I thought I needed to be changing.  In fact, the way to deal with it, turns out, is to be the way I used to be.  That’s the only way to really solve these problems.

I used to work so hard.  Now I know what I need to actually be working hard on the right things (because I have done most of the wrong things already).  I need to be optimistic.  But at the same time, I need to live in reality and accept that I’m wrong most of the time.  But guess what-so are you.  The only way to win is to accept it as fast as possible and change.  Oh yeah, you know what keeps people sane? Turns out, it’s actually gratitude. Life is just a bunch of data points, I prefer to string them together to form a narrative that brings me the most joy. Also, money is super important.  Really really important.  It may not be the only thing that makes you happy, but let me tell you, if you don’t have enough to pay your bills and live the life you want, it’s a bitch.  But you know what? If I work hard enough and I keep my eyes open to reality, the money will come.  It will.  I know it.  I don’t know how- oh wait. I do.  Because that’s the way I used to live before I stopped believing it could be that easy.  Let me redefine easy.  Facing the hard things, and putting in the work to get the things done that needs to get done.  Also, no is not really a word I was familiar with.  (Stubborn much?)   It just means you don’t see the win-win I am seeing.  So clearly, I’m just not articulate enough.  Solvable problem.  Everything is a solvable problem.  I’m also not made up of my emotions.  Emotions tell me something is off, but it doesn’t guide my decision making.  I make decisions from a state of joy.  Not fear.  Like when you go to the grocery store when you’re hungry.  Terrible idea.  Best example of fear based decision making though, turns out.  Learned my life lesson.

Finally, thanks Derek Sivers.  I’m really really really trying not to be a donkey.

This is what my jet lag is telling me.  I think it could be decently right though.

Happy Holidays

happiness, Life

When The Universe Has Your Back

Title probably mildly influenced by the book I’m reading: The Universe Has Your Back (which I adore).

Is it coincidence that the day after posting about how I’ve found my purpose, and started socializing my thoughts with the world at large (and more importantly-my family) that good business things started happening? I don’t think that’s chance. Someone else may disagree, and I’ve learned to be ok with that. The absolute truth, if that even exists, is less relevant than your local truth.  I don’t think we ever realize absolute truths until we are dead. What do they say, death and taxes? Only two absolute truths out there.  (And even the taxes bit, lots of people may find loopholes around that one).

Living your truth is hard. I think it’s important though. Mostly because it brings up stuff that is unpleasant that you’ve probably been avoiding all your life (check). But it also brings a feeling of satisfaction that is unprecedented. I haven’t reached the pinnacle of that yet, but I am getting there, and I’m feeling better every day about it.

I’ve also realized that self doubt is useless.  It’s useful during your decision making phase, but after a decision is made, revisiting those thoughts is utterly wasteful.  Energy better spent on CrossFit. Or Indian Fashion blog surfing (my new current obsession).

I’m just going to ride this wave out and see where it takes me. So far, I’m digging it.

Exercise, happiness


I’ve recently come to the sad realization that I used to starve myself.  Starve may be exaggerated, and it was not on purpose and not in very obvious ways, but I think my deepest fear was that I would not be thin.  And I would unconsciously do things in the name of “health”.  Namely, I would not eat enough.  The fact that I have always been super lazy when it comes to food doesn’t help. But if there wasn’t a healthy option around (read: most of the time) I would wait until I got home and eat something (again, probably not enough).  The only reason I even noticed this was because I fell sick this week, and I noticed that I had not been sick in a while.  I also noticed I am sleeping much better and I had far fewer headaches than I used to have.

Additionally, most people have been commenting on my weight gain.  I must say, I have gained weight in places I didn’t even realize I could gain weight.  I’m sure there’s more places that exist to gain weight in, but it’s just…very strange.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I just can’t go back to the way I (now realize I) was: Semi-starved, always something wrong, irritated, sleep deprived, and generally quite shitty.  If I had to pick weight gain or that, I pick weight gain.

Now the trick is to figure out how to eat enough AND go back to the way I was 6 months ago.  Just because that felt a lot better.  And I think that’s important too.  Feeling good about yourself.

It’s just going to be a lot lot lot harder than I ever anticipated.

I suppose I must go back to the drawing board.

Such is life.

Feminism, happiness, Life, Uncategorized

I Never Saw My Life Past 28

Not like I thought I was going to die or anything- I just…had absolutely no clue how my life was going to turn out.  It was just a black hole after 28 (literally, age 28.  Not 26, not 31, 28).  So it shouldn’t be shocking that in my 28th year of life, there has been a lot of existential crisis-ing.


I think I’ve been making a lot of decisions with my gut over the last 4 years (pretty exclusively I may add) and the rest of me is trying to catch up.  Mostly my head. Because it is exploding with conundrums and paradigm shifting…let downs really.

The harsh reality is that if you don’t create a version of yourself in your head, your subconscious will do it for you. And that subconscious will fill this version of you (or what you’re supposed to be) with ideas and paradigms that it sees around.

Meaning: I set myself up to fail and be disappointed when my brain caught up with…the real me.  Because let me tell you, I pretty much do…NOTHING I’m “supposed” to be doing.  Said another way, I’m kind of exclusively… a-typical.  And my brain has been having a really hard time computing this.  It’s just been really angry and self hating actually, to be perfectly honest.  And it sucks.  This self hating thing I mean.

I’ve literally spent the last month or so catching up with what I thought I was supposed to be and who I really am.  And most of it has been shocking and surprising (to nobody but myself I may add).

I’ve had the privilege of being able to really do whatever it is that I’ve wanted to do with my life.  And be whoever it is I want to be.  It’s funny when you do that though.  Because it takes an adjustment period when you realize…you’ve stepped over to the other side.  There’s no turning back now.  You’ve made too many choices to be able to keep your feet in both worlds- the “normal” world, and the world that you’ve created over the last 4 years for yourself.

It’s a really really really strange thing when you realize that crossed the point of no return.  Mostly because I’m not used to commitment.  Ask anyone who knew me back in college or before.  I was all over the place.  And I preferred it that way.  But now, after I’ve had time to let it sink in, I’m actually…ok with it. I’m actually excited about it.  I get to hit the reset button in life again.  I’m recreating the mental version of myself given my new trajectory in life.  This time I’m going to be proactive about it- visualizing my 30’s.

“When you let go of what you are, you become what you might be”

– Lao Tsu

I’m officially on to my next new adventure, which is an internal one, and I think spread over the next decade.  Coming into my own with the words/phrases I (now) identify with: Woman, tech, startup, maverick, joy, partnership, mother, leader, design, compassion, growth, accountability, spirituality, fun, self love, style, discipline.

Wow that’s a lot. But it’s good.  It’ s going to be good.  I’ve decided it’s going to be good.

And I feel like that’s the first step anyway.

Deciding the way it’s going to be. Or at least the way you’re going to respond to it.



happiness, Life, Startups

There Is No Antibiotic for Stress #Startup

I realized what I’ve been getting wrong about stress: it’s not something you can get rid of once you have it – you have to make sure it never gets to that point in the first place.

I used to think that stress was something you were supposed to deal with when you felt..well, stressed.  It’s like when you get sick and take an antibiotic and you get better.  Turns out, stress isn’t exactly like that.  Usually by the time you’re sick, it’s already too late.  I mean you CAN do that (i.e. take vacations, wait until you get a super nervous breakdown before doing something…whatever) but it’s definitely not the most optimal.

So then I thought, well, maybe you’re just supposed to avoid stress.  Yeah, that just doesn’t work out well at all.  Even if you weren’t running a startup, life just throws random things at you that are completely out of our control.  So no, avoiding isn’t the answer either.

Which brings me to my realization: you have to take steps to make sure that you never FEEL stressed.  It’s like probiotics or vitamin tablets: take them every day to make sure you don’t get sick.  Prevention rather than treatment.

So what are vitamin tablets in the stress world? I think they have to do with daily habits that people cultivate. I have a strong suspicion that the most successful people also have the best stress coping habits.  They do things every day so that there is no need to feel stressed, ever.  I think that’s highly possible, if not highly probable.  I can’t speak for other fields, but at least at a startup, I think it’s doable.

How is the better question.  Here’s my list so far:

  1. Exercise is an absolutely fantastic way to help you feel energized, and more importantly, help you see the world through new eyes
  2. Meditation lately has been pretty rad, I must say.  I was a skeptic at first but I like it. I think I”m going to keep doing it.  I try to do 10 minutes every morning, but I’ll probably expand that time gradually.
  3. Eating/sleeping enough: I think it goes without saying but just in case it needs to be said, I think this one is huge.
  4. Being grateful/thankful.  I find that if we cultivate this habit, I just feel genuinely happier/joyful more often than not. I’m trying to get better at this
  5. Longer term planning: I’m reading this pretty interesting book by Bill Walsh, super successful coach of the NFL San Francisco 49ers, and I love how he talks about having  a plan for every single scenario out there.  If it can happen, he has a plan.  So during the game, he can sit back and let things happen. Yes there are a lot of calls during game time, but for the most part, he knows that he can handle whatever is thrown at his team.  I am absolutely horrendous at this, but I think if I start putting this into practice, it’ll make me a lot more confident.

Anyway, it’s an idea I’m working with. Still need to flesh it out, but I’m going to start figuring out my daily habits to help me lead a more productive and joyful life.  I’m all about that.