I Love You, But Would You Hate Me If I MIGHT Love My Maid More?

It’s true.  Any woman with a good maid will tell you that a good maid is hard to find.  First of all, I feel very Indian talking about maids.  Like very very upper class, let them eat cake sort of Indian.  Which is weird.  I feel like I try to compensate by making them tea after they clean my house.  Or offering them juice.  It’s the American in me coming out. It just feels wrong.  WHY MUST I ENCOURAGE CLASSISM?! Maybe if I was British I’d feel more ok with this whole maid thing.  But in any case, I don’t feel weird enough to NOT have a maid- lets be clear here.  I’m not that crazy.  I effing love my maid.  She’s the best.  I mean she cooks AND cleans my house.  HOW IS THIS ANYTHING BUT AMAZEBALLS?  She is probably one of the best things in my life.  No joke, if she doesn’t come for more than a day or two, I start to hyperventilate and wonder how my life will go on.  I genuinely question this.  I think about if I’ll starve, and also, where did she leave the mop/dish cleaning equipment (I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THAT THING IS CALLED- is it a scrubber? A dish scrubber? WTF.  I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER)

What really sealed the deal is that my boyfriend is over at my house a lot.  And she hates it.  Like really really hates it.  Because well.  I mean. Lets be super gender biased here and just play out the stereotypes.  She has more to clean now.  I love that he cooks, but she hates that she has to clean his…artwork.  The kitchen definitely looks like a Jackson Pollock painting after he is done.  And she hates it.  To the point where today she kind of said look.  If this doesn’t get better, I may have to go.  She didn’t say it outright.  But there was that threat.

And my first thought was genuinely- GOD DAMNIT HE NEEDS TO BE AT MY PLACE LESS! I CANNOT LOSE MY MAID! I WILL STOP BEING LAZY AND GO OVER TO HIS PLACE! PLEASE MAID DON’T LEAVE ME! I WILL DIE WITHOUT YOUUUUUUUUUU

I feel like that makes me a terrible girlfriend. Picking my maid over my boyfriend. But there. I said it.

What can I say? Basic necessities sometimes may have to win over love.  I’m just saying.  He wouldn’t want me to starve or die would he? Really, I’m doing this for us.

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#TheDatingDiaries: I Could Have Never Been In Love

I’ve been realizing more and more that love, like a lot of things in life, is in the details.  You’d have to slow your life down enough to notice small things.  And that was something I never wanted to do.  Never did.  Which means, I never put myself in a position to…even have a chance to be in love.  Accidentally on purpose I think.  Is that a thing? I think it’s a thing. I’m making it a thing. Officially a thing.

Life is like that though, I think.  To really squeeze all you can out of it, you have to be vulnerable.  I don’t think that’s just in love either.  You could apply that to work too.  When you’re vulnerable, that’s the only way creativity can thrive.  The only way the best ideas come about.  But it also means that you can be hurt.  At work, in love, in life.  That’s the chance you take.  You roll the dice and hope that life doesn’t just crush you to bits.  Well, lets rephrase that.  You know life will crush you to bits, but you hope to God that you have the strength and the know how to pick yourself up and keep on going on.

I think this is the point in my life where I take the leap of faith.  The leap of faith that slowing down your life is really the way to move forward.  Slowing down life and learning to live the in between bits.  The bits of life that usually go unnoticed.  Or at least usually unnoticed by me.  The leap of faith that it’s not about the quantity of things you do, but the quality with which you do them, and most importantly, the personal growth that comes out of it.

Sometimes I Get Up in The Morning Thinking: OMG What If I Am Single FOREVERRRRR

Usually it’s accompanied by a bit of nausea, not the morning sickness kind, more the…I should go eat some food because I’ve been hungry for 8 hours kind.  It’s the more dull kind, in case you were wondering, and are one of those lucky people that never get sick.  (I hate you FYI. Only a little bit though).

But I digress.  The point is, yes, sometimes I think..holy shit.  What if I stay single FOREVER?! I mean seriously, what evidence is there that this will actually pan out here? (And by this, I mean relationships with, in my case, the opposite sex, of the romantic kind, just to be clear). When has this even been remotely close to happening at all EVER?!

And not in the self pity, woe is me sort of way.  More the damn, no really though, how do I even start thinking about this, can I just avoid it forever and 1984 this ish oh wait I can’t DAMN.  Oh god the terror.  The absolute and sheer terror of knowing that the ENTIRE WORLD HAS STARTED THIS PROCESS EXCEPT YOU.  Do you know how terrifying that feels? Sort of like Atlas, pre-shrug.  WHAT IS THIS THING THAT EVERYONE IS DOING THAT I HAVE NOT PARTOOK AND I PROBABLY NEED TO.  I have felt this way before.  Yes, it was in the 1st grade when everyone was playing cooties, and scientifically speaking I thought it was ridiculous because cooties don’t exist and I tried telling people that and they didn’t seem to care so I just waited it out and while EVERYONE WAS PLAYING COOTIES I..(I forgot what I was doing, I think I played on the monkey bars).  But see, my strategy was to wait it out and then everyone gets over it.  UGH.

See, the issue isn’t the actual being in a relationship with the person that you are totally and completely into.  IT’S EVERYTHING BEFORE THAT.  All of that … absolute SHIT that EVERYONE has to go through before..you know. The good stuff.  HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT?! I think I would just cry all the time. Oh wait, yes I tried it once, that is EXACTLY what happened. What is this putting yourself out there business? UGH.

Fine. FINE. Considering I can’t avoid the pain, the horror, the terror, all of the shit, that is, probably, now that I think about it, part of the human experience, I may as well get on with it. No, I won’t go kicking and screaming (although I have thought about it) I’ll start this process with grace and dignity.

Oh who am I kidding, it’s going to be awkward and painful as balls.

Le sigh.

#TheDatingDiaries: Why I Chose To Be Single (For So Long)

By today’s standards, it’s pretty odd to not have a single relationship by the age of 28.  Someone asked me why I have been single for so long, and I think the simple answer is because…I just wasn’t ready.

The more complicated answer is because, ever since I was little, there are things I’ve wanted to do in life.  Mostly related to making an impact on the world.  I don’t know why I didn’t think I could do that with someone in my life, but for some reason, I just…didn’t feel comfortable doing that.  Maybe it was fear that I wouldn’t be able to stand up for myself and say oh hey, I want to do this thing.  Maybe it’s because…I saw mostly sacrificing relationships growing up and I just thought that’s what it meant to be in a relationship.  Or maybe I detested the idea of tying self worth to your relationship, which I saw happen a lot.  I think I’ve learned a thing or two since then, and realized, none of those things are necessarily true (or untrue), it really just comes down to 2 people and what happens in between.

But all of that has taken time.  28 years to be exact, and I still don’t even know what I don’t know about a lot of things.  Most things maybe.  Who knows.  But I have also realized I can’t wait to be perfect or finish everything I’ve ever wanted or…the 20 billion other reasons why people don’t do the things they want to do.

I remember though, that during college I felt really strange- like there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to date anyone there.  But I’ll never forget what one of my upperclassman friends told me- she was someone I really looked up to and respected, and she admitted that she had never been in a relationship either, and hey, if you’re not into it, don’t worry about it.  I don’t think she knew how much it meant to me, but I remember thinking, well, if Sheila isn’t in a relationship and I think she’s awesome, then there must be nothing wrong with not dating anyone. I think she saved me years of pain and heartache with that one assurance.  Because at the end of the day, I don’t think you can legitimately do anything you’re not ready for.  Even if it goes against what everyone else (and their mother, literally) is doing.

So this is for all those people that maybe, just maybe, don’t feel like going with the flow.  And I just wanted to tell you, like Sheila told me, it’s ok.  It’s genuinely ok. I have no idea what the future holds, but all I can say is that I’m really glad I made the life choices I have made.  They have taken me to where I am today, and I am proud of that.

And that, to me, is one of the most important things in this world. Being true to yourself.

That’s what I would define as success.

#TheDatingDiaries: Online Date (My Parents)

I think Indian parents have really figured out this whole online dating thing.  And by figured out, I mean providing their kids with the best chance of meeting the man/woman of his/her dreams.  Or at least their dreams.  Which, to be fair, who knows if those sets intersect at all with a union (oh man, MATH JOKE HOLY SHIT WHERE DID THAT COME FROM).

So here is how it works, for those of you who do not have Indian parents.  You guys are missing out.

I think I have a profile my parents created on this site and then on this site, because, well, lets face it.  If my parents get to pick, they’d like to play the “lets make a family tree and just make sure we are far enough to where genetics won’t mess their kids up but close enough to where we will be the same”.  Yay for homogeneity.  (That sounded sarcastic- I’m not sure yet which way that was supposed to go).

And then, my parents get emails from other parents who see my profile.  Now my parents have been a bit cagey about showing me said profile.  They claim that I don’t have a profile, which sort of doesn’t make sense because then how are all these dads and moms emailing them? I am trying to get to the bottom of this.  Because I have DEFINITELY seen guys profiles (that their parents created).  Lots of information that…I have no idea why it is relevant, but my parents seem to think is important.  Like what does the dad do.  And what is his star sign.  And what does his sister do. And what is his sisters education. And how many kids SHE has.  But hey, they’re dating my parents right now so I guess you have to put on lots of things I don’t understand.

Anyway, I digress.  Then comes the good bits.  The concierge service.  My parents basically filter out lots and lots of people.  You know how everyone hates online dating and is like UGH it’s a full time job? Well guess what, now my parents don’t have to take care of their kids, they get to filter through lots of potential husbands for me! YAY! (Again, I can’t tell if I’m sarcastic or not because, I mean, we’ve all been on online dating sites and the amount of people you have to actually respond to is ridiculous and I got carpel tunnel just from typing- ok that’s a lie but it was still a buttload of work I was not enjoying tremendously).

And THEN.  I get some people, which I then Google (of course).  And then I tell them what I think, and they respond to their parents and tell them to coordinate with me to actually meet in person.  It’s like swiping right and left on Tinder, except…verbally in the car with your parents.  Which sounds really strange I guess, but really, you’re playing hot or not with your friends, and I’m playing…hot or not plus Russian Roulette (sans loaded gun?) Something like that.  Haven’t worked out the analogy yet, but I feel like we’re onto some next level dating ish right here.

To be fair, I seriously can’t complain.  Yet.  Because I mean hey, if your parents want to online date MY parents, and then if THOSE dates work out then their kids can meet and then date in real life, who am I to stop (Tamil/Iyengar/Brahmin) love at work?

The jury is still out.  We shall see how what happens next.

My Grandpa And His Girlfriend

I’m currently in Copenhagen visiting my grandpa (ok not really my grandpa but my grandmother’s brother) and his girlfriend.  It’s so interesting because they decided never to get married, and they’ve had a really interesting (and long) history together.  I don’t know all the particulars, but…all I know now is that they are adorable.

They weren’t always so adorable though.  When my grandpa got his heart attack about a year ago, I dropped him off in Copenhagen with his (ex) girlfriend (then). When they were together they fought like an old married couple, (except they were never married) so they basically got all the downsides of marriage without ever really taking the plunge.  It looked like a bad situation and I was worried.  I think they had been broken up officially for over 20 years at that point, and it looked like they had good reasons why.

But now, a year later, they got back together and now they are the cutest things ever.  They go for walks together, they make food together, and they joke about being old people.

It’s funny, because it sort of restores my faith in this thing we call love.  It’s what Aziz Ansari talks about in his book, Modern Romance, as companionate love.  With all the divorce going on in this world, it’s so nice to see two people, at the tail end of their lives, committing to this new form of life.  It may not be what we young people think of as love, but for them, it really works.

And honestly, being here with the two of them, it’s one of the most beautiful love stories I have heard of- spanning generations, and maybe not coming to the fairy tale ending we all think of in princess stories ( I doubt they will ever get married at this point) but it is a happy ending nonetheless because I think they are both better people because of it.  And live happier, more fulfilled lives.

#TheDatingDiaries: Reasons Why You Should Never Make A Man Checklist and Other Realizations

So since I’m getting serious about this whole finding a life parter thing I figured well, lets sit down and really THINK about what I’d want in someone.  It sounded like a logical thing to do.  Except, let me just say it quickly turned into the worst idea ever.  Because as I started listing things down I realized…I AM LISTING DOWN THE MALE VERSION OF MYSELF.  Literally.  Down to: likes hip hop and plays basketball. WTF. Which made me realize that either a) I’m incredibly narcissistic (quite possible) or b) THESE THINGS CAN’T BE LOGIC-ED YOUR WAY INTO BY GOD.  And now that I think about all my friends that made these lists, and I remember the people they ended up with (very happily I may add), I realize that very few lists actually matched.  Which, now, makes sense.

So chucking that idea.

Also.  I realized that I am a professional third wheel.  Like SO GOOD at just tagging along to things/inviting myself to things.  Having some skill in this is always useful, but when that is the majority of your social life…maybe not so much.

Conversation with my friend:

Sid: Anu, you said you were going to try and be more social, what are you doing RIGHT NOW- FRIDAY NIGHT? I’m checking in.

Anu: I am TOTALLY being social!  You should be so proud of me! I’m with my roommate and her boyfriend at her boyfriend’s house and we’re watching a movie and…

Sid: Wait, it’s just the 3 of you?

Anu: Yeah! They’re so cool!

Sid: So…how are you meeting new people? Isn’t THAT the point of being social?

Anu:….

Sid: Hello?

Anu: oh yeah. damn. this is harder than i thought.

About A Boy

I was thinking about it recently because most of the notes that I have kept on my wall of awesome have to do with me, talking about a boy, and my friends consoling me about my life choices.  Mostly terrible life choices, but you know, I don’t think anybody makes particularly spectacular life choices in this category. If you think about it, you only really need to make one really good life choice about a boy, and the rest are allowed to be really idiotically bad.  In fact, most of them tend to be really really bad in order to get to the one really good one.  Or so they say.

When my stomach is staging a mutiny, as it is right now, sometimes this is what I think about.  Not really about boys, but about how sometimes boys are a way to connect to your friends in a very human way.  I went to a comedy show yesterday and I think the funniest material the guy had was around how he was single and how he got rejected so often.  I think it’s funny because it’s so relatable. It’s so human.  We’ve all been through it.

Sometimes boys and girls and the relationships that exist in between them can break and become really messy (bordering tragically awful), but if you think about the equilibrium of life, most of the time, your relationships with other people probably get stronger.  Maybe with people you didn’t even think about before. Your support network, new and old.

And if you think about it in that way, in the conservation of energy sort of way, the circle of life and relationships sort of way, it all works out pretty neat actually.

#TheDatingDiaries : Love Lessons From the 3rd Grade

I should have learned my lesson in the 3rd grade, it would have made life a lot easier I think.  There was this boy, Ricky Martinez, and I thought he was cute.  And so I told people.  Not in a gossipy way, but more in a like a, the sky is blue, the grass is green, Ricky Martinez is cute, do you want to go play tetherball now?  I really didn’t think it was a big deal.  But other people thought it was a big deal.  Especially other girls, they went around saying, oh my god Anu has a crush on Ricky Martinez! And I was thinking, yes, I think he is cute, so what?  Can we please get on with tetherball now?  (I really liked tetherball at the time).  And then in the 3rd grade we had to run for class governor (yes, they tried to teach us about the American political system at a very early age), and of course I wanted to run for governor.  And lo and behold, Ricky Martinez was on my campaign.  Except, me being me, I didn’t really think about it.  Ricky Martinez is on my campaign, why wouldn’t he be on my campaign?  I am going to run an awesome campaign, everyone should be on my campaign.  And then he started making posters which said “Vote for Anu, XOXO”.  Except the problem was that he didn’t know what XOXO meant.  Now if nobody knew what it meant we’d all be in the clear, but of course there’s always some smart alec in the class who spreads the word that XOXO means hugs and kisses and it’s very obvious now that Ricky likes Anu.

Now I have no idea what happened after this, (obviously I was too busy wondering if I had enough glitter and crayons to make all the posters I needed to cover the classroom) but all I know is that a week later, Ricky Martinez was not on my campaign, and he was making posters for my competition (sans XOXO).  And then I lost.  I was sad.  Maybe a little about Ricky Martinez.  But mostly about the fact I wasn’t governor.  AND I used all my glitter and crayons for next few months.

I guess I don’t really know the moral of the story.  Maybe it’s that people take all of this “I love you” and “relationship” stuff pretty seriously.  And apparently I can’t go around telling people that I like them.  Or love them (God forbid).  Or you know.  Anything romantic-y in nature.  In general.  Because apparently I do that.  And apparently it’s not ok.  I don’t really know.

I think I feel just as oblivious and lost and confused as I did back in 3rd grade.

I can’t believe I’m expected to know about these things.  Eesh.

Dear world.

Please don’t expect me to know about these things.  They make no sense to me.

Love,

Anu

#TheDatingDiaries : Online Dating is the Modern Equivalent of Arranged Marriage

If you think about it, I think that’s what it really is.  I mean, it’s two people that would have normally probably never met, coming together for a common stated purpose (hey lets see if there’s anything to this), and committing to try their hardest to make it work.

It doesn’t surprise me that 1/3 of the marriages that happen in the US started from couples meeting online.  You know what you want, go and find other people who want the same thing (and instead of caste or last name, prospects are filtered by common interests and life goals)

And although online dating has the walk out clause (unlike arranged marriage) maybe you get the same benefits.  Maybe this is the new way to meet really great people who you try to make it work with, but for some reason or other, it just doesn’t work out.  No fault of either party.

Maybe this is a way to continue filling my favorite BFF category from college: The “I Love You, But I Could Never Date You” category

As you get older, maybe this is the new way just to meet your new best friends.

Some food for thought

Happy Tuesday