#TheDatingDiaries: Cute Comedians Are My Kryptonite.

So here’s the thing.  I have met my fair share of famous people.  Prince Charles? Not a problem, we even joked about the invention of the internet.  Lunch with Paul Polman? Handled it like a boss (pun intended). Bill Clinton? Played it cool.  Even my favorites in Silicon Valley. Meeting my growth hacking hero Chamath, held it together enough to get $300K from him.

But put me in front of any decent comedian and I LOSE MY SHIT.  They don’t even have to be that good.  And if they’re cute? Oh god it’s over.  And by over, I mean I turn into a psychotic, call the police and block my number this woman is crazy, person.  I seriously don’t know how or why this happens.

I figured this out my second year of college when I went with my friend to see my first stand up comedian perform.  His name was Edwin Lee, and he is so obscure that I am trying to Google him right now and I can’t find him (i.e. potentially indicative of his comedic prowess).  But after the show, for the first time in my life, I WAS TOO NERVOUS TO GO TALK TO HIM.  Me. Too nervous.  That NEVER happens.  Except with cute comedians.

I have it so bad that if Seth Rogen walked through my door right now, I would probably ask him to have my babies.  Definitely the first thing out of my mouth. Wait I take that back. the first statement out of my mouth would be: “OHMYGODYOUARESOMAMAZINGILOVEYOUPLEASEHAVEMYCHILDREN!!!!!”. So really, it’s probably really really good I don’t live in Seth Rogen’s apartment complex right now.  Because my mother may or may not really want her daughter to be throwing herself at, lets face it, not the most Indian parental friendly baby daddy.  But I digress.  Point is, comedians are definitely my kryptonite.

So enter my trip to Mumbai last week.  Oh god.  It was terrible.  And by terrible, I mean WHY ANU WHY DO YOU DO THIS, saw some of my favorite YouTube comedians in real life and SCARED THE HELL OUT OF THEM.  Now you’re thinking, huh, how does one scare a comedian.  Let me tell you.  It’s by acting like a crazy person.  The huh, do I think she will actually come to my house and steal my garbage, should I be scared for my life, crazy.

I was speaking at a conference and I had a few hours to kill, so I thought I would drop by the session on how to make YouTube videos.  Thought it would be interesting.  And when I walked in, who should I see but MY FAVORITE INDIAN COMEDIC TROUPE FROM YOUTUBE.  I went to the back of the room and, of course, you know, started to hyperventilate.  I don’t really know what they were talking about, probably something smart I don’t know, because I just remembered thinking Ok Anu. Just be cool.  BE COOL.  You can do this.  DON’T spazz out like you usually do.  This is your chance.  You can do this. Regular pep talk stuff. I may or may not have been talking to myself out loud and scaring the people around me during this time.  This tends to happen when you give yourself pep talks. While hyperventilating. During an advertising conference. Probably at any conference really.  Talking to yourself in general. Not encouraged.

Anyway, after the session, I was so nervous, I pretended to take a call at the back of the room, to you know, look important. Also to buy time to figure out what I was going to do in this situation. Because usually what I would do is just stare at them creepily from afar, hoping that…ok I never get farther than that really, but I have learned from prior experience that creepy staring is just highly inappropriate.  DO NOT OBJECTIFY THE CUTE COMEDIANS ANU, GOSH.

Anyway, my fake call was over and they were leaving and I still didn’t  have a plan so I powerwalked outside and walked up to them, hoping that inspiration would hit in the 5 seconds between the wall and the door.  The brilliant gems that came out of my mouth?

“OHMYGODILOVEYOURSTUFFIJUSTWANTEDTOTELLYOUMYNAMEISANUYOUARESOCOOOOOLLLLL.”

Luckily said comedians were nice enough to nod and smile politely.  So of COURSE I took that as a cue to keep going.

“So..you know…uhhhh….I was wondering….well….I’ve always wanted to…uhhh…so…..do you I don’t know…need an intern or something?”

Said comedian again, being the nice soul that he was, took pity on me and my tongue tied-ness and said no they do not but hey you can come to watch them shoot a sketch. And then.  HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER. And said coordinate on Sunday.

I think I practically died. I am pretty sure I SAW my soul float up, watch the scene from above, and then come back down to re-inhabit my body.  I’m also pretty sure I was just staring vacantly while all this was happening.  That or a constipated face.  One of the two.  My face is usually in some form of contortion.

So of course, I take every opportunity to be a psycho person, I message  said comedian later asking if, you know, “OHMYGODYOUARESOCOOLIDON’TKNOWIFYOUAREBUSYDOYOUWANTTOGETCOFFEE”.

….

Again, said comedian, being the compassionate soul he was, said something about aw that’s so nice I’m busy but you should come on Sunday.

Yes, I was punched in the stomach a bit, but hey. You know. The psychotic part of me was saying oh hey. You have ample chances to be insane on Sunday.

Sunday rolls around and I message in the morning, and because he is probably Christ incarnate, he says oh hey, I think we can actually fit you into the sketch for a small part.  I may or may not have emotionally blackmailed said comedian into this as I may or may not have previously mentioned that IF I had cancer and was going to die next week, the only thing that I would be sad about was that I wasn’t in a comedic sketch.  I’m not dramatic or crazy at all.

My Emmy Award winning response to my bucket list wish being granted:

“OHMYGODILOVEYOUYOU’RETHEBESTWHYAREYOUSOAMAZINGDIDIMENTIONILOVEYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU”

Excpet…the times did not match and I had to fly out before they started shooting.  Now the psycho part of me was throwing tantrums up the wazoo, and I’m not really sure what I messaged, but I’m pretty sure it was the craziest of cray cray because…well…said Christ incarnate comedian stopped responding.  Like any normal person would. When psycho people contact them.

The end.

Like I said, I don’t know why this happens, but it does. Like any good AA meeting teaches you, acceptance is the first step.

I, Anu Sridharan, turn into a psycho around cute comedians.

So now begins the recovery. More terribly horrific situations will probably ensue before I am cured of this disease. I’m hoping it will be quicker and less painful than last week.

Chances are, probably not.

Le Sigh.

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