There are moments, when you know, you KNOW, you are not in your right mind. They are scary as hell because you know that your mind is telling you crazy things, and you know you should not listen to that crazy part of your brain, but you are drawing a blank as to what you SHOULD be listening to then.
Those are the scary moments in life. When the terrible part of you is winning and is whispering awful beyond awful things in your ear and you feel like you have no other choice but to give in to those terrible things it is telling you.
You are worthless
What are you trying to do here anyway? Why are you even trying?
You just plain suck. I don’t even understand why you exist.
You are not good enough. Just give up now.
And then your mind gets stuck in this terrible loop of trying to prove itself wrong. And so you think about all the ways you can work harder, prove your mind wrong, prove the worst part of yourself wrong. Which, when you think about it logically, is just an infinite mind fuck loop from hell. That your brain is stuck in.
Those are the god awful moments of insanity. When you get stuck in the infinite loop of awful. And you don’t see a way out of that loop. And it keeps playing, and you keep feeling worse and you start seeing yourself go on this downward spiral.
But that’s when you breathe. And lately, what I’ve been doing is just plain praying. Not to anything or anyone in particular. Maybe just to the ether, or the Universe, I don’t know. But I just keep repeating the same thing. Please help me figure out how to get out of this terrible loop of insanity. I recognize that it is insanity, but I can’t find my way out. Please please please help.
And you know what? It/he/she/them/they/whatever/whoever/thingy does. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but…it does. And I am grateful.
Because then I can get back to enjoying this thing I call my life. Once all that insanity clears, it’s pretty great.