Other Things I Find Scary

I think that sometimes, it’s the random things that scare you.  Not boogie monsters, or spiders, or roller coasters, or heights.

Sometimes, it’s scary to really try and figure out what you’re about.  If you take away the one thing that keeps you going, what do you have left?  What does that reduce you to?  I think that’s what happens to me when I go on vacation. Or…”vacation”.   Which is what I’m doing right now. In Goa.  At a beautiful hotel at that.  Which sounds really lame and pathetic, but yes, this is what I do during vacation- I think.  Or try to avoid it. It’s the same thing I used to do when I was in college- I used to pile my work up so much that I would never have to think about other things besides work.

But is this time different?  Is my work really…what I’m about now?  Is that such a bad thing?  I mean, it’s something I really care about.  But am I becoming a cliche (whose story could be found on any number of chick flicks/romcoms)?  If you feel that your work is meaningful, can’t your work be what you’re about? Is the difference between me and someone else that I really love what I am doing?

At some point, work stops though.  There is an end to work.  And then what?  It’s almost like this big black abyss.  And at some point, I probably have to populate that abyss.  But populate it with what? More work?  Marriage? A husband?  Kids? A house?  Traveling? Saving cats?

I don’t know.  It’s scary I think. At least to me it is.  But maybe the answer is that you can’t think about that abyss. Maybe the point is just to live every day and concentrate on that day, and live it to the fullest.  And then 80 years later, you look back, and you realize that you lived an incredibly fulfilling life.

I don’t know.  The left side of my brain doesn’t like that answer.  Because it likes to know where I am headed.  But maybe the point is that at some level, I have to trust the right side of my brain too.  Trust that gut feeling that says I’m going in the right direction, in the right way.  That there’s really nothing I should be doing differently, and I can just pass go, and collect $200.

And since I need to get back to work, I suppose I will have to leave it at that for now.  Until the next time I take a “vacation”.  Oh Joy.

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