Sometimes the best way to care, is to not care

It’s kind of the hardest thing in the world for me to do because in my head I’m like no. If I want something I need to go after it with all the force in the world EVERYONE ELSE BE DAMNED! And…that kind of worked up until a point. Until it didn’t.

And since then, I don’t think I’ve figured out a good way to be. It’s so hard to go with the flow. I have never been one of those people. I’ve been that person who’s like oh is the flow this way? Then I’m definitely going to try to go up stream, work the hardest possible, and do the opposite thing even though it”s like…insanely hard and I want to punch people and I hate everything ever.  Which is fine, I guess.  But as you get older, you realise that shit doesn’t really work. Ok that’s not exactly true.  It works but then you’re like wait a minute. How come I think everything needs to be hard? And how come I think if I’m not struggling this is a bad thing? WHO DECIDED THIS TERRIBLE IDEA WAS A GOOD ONE?!

I think it’s so scary to let things go, at least for me.  But then when I think about it I”m like hey.  Is extra stress and worry REALLY going to make something better? Why can’t I just accept life as it is and then appreciate what I have.

Oh wait.  Because IT”S HARD.

I have actually realised that the HARDER thing to do is to accept things as they are.  Yes, I may not get that raise.  I may try this one thing and it could fail miserably- AGAIN.  I may not ever end up with kids (or maybe I accidentally end up with too many, who knows), and maybe I’ll never be the most popular person in a room.

The absolute hardest thing to do, is to put your heart out there, try something really scary, but know there is a very real chance it may not work out the way you want. But give it your all anyway.

I think that’s the difference as you get older.  When you’re younger (at least me) I didn’t think it was possible to fail. Like at all.  I’m like..what is that weird word? I don’t think it’s in my dictionary.  But then it happens to you and you’re like…SHIT.  This sucks balls.  This is like..the worst thing in the world.  And you NEVER want to do anything ever again. Like ever.  And then you GET why older people are so jaded and all that stuff people tell you.  Because you are like…yes.  I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.

But then when you start to become that person, you realise this sucks too.  Being a jaded adult is not all that its cracked up to be either.  Because actually, instead of putting yourself out there and having your heart crushed in a massive way all at once, you’ve signed yourself up for a slow and painful death.  It’s not like you actually feel better when you’re not trying.  You literally feel like your soul is experiencing a slow and steady death by 1000 cuts.  This is definitely speaking from experience.  One day I got up and I was like..ANU.  You do not feel any better as a jaded cranky older person.  You actually feel worse because you KNOW you’re not living up to your potential.  You KNOW you can do better.  And you feel jealous of all those people doing the thing.  So it’s this really shitty no mans land of awfulness.  There’s no winning here either.

So now I”m realising the only way to be (at least for now) is to learn how to put yourself out there and try something, knowing you could get CRUSHED, but doing it anyway. It is definitely a better way to be because at least this time you CAN be more prepared.  Like oh yeah, this is what blindsided me last time, lets protect that downside this time around.  So there definitely are perks to getting older.  And also realising that mindset is the most important thing.  Knowing failure is real, but trying anyway.  And learning to be happy with the real effort you put in to trying to live your best life.

Dear Buddha- if you can just throw me a bone here and help me with this whole accepting life and being grateful ish, that would be awesome.

K thanks. Love, Anu.