And by emotion, I mostly mean the destructive sorts of emotions. Like rage, frustration, anxiety. You know. Those. Sometimes I feel like I’m two different people- one part of me (the objective, logical side) looks at the other part and is like..whoa. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM AND WTF ARE YOU DOING?! Today, case in point, I yelled at the ATM. Literally yelled at it. Mostly because it’s a closed room (only me, the ATM, and a dog). And the dog can’t judge me. Ok it can, but you know. Whatever.
To be honest, I think I underestimate myself and my ability to emote. I have a lot of them. Emotions I mean. Usually they are the more decent ones (which is acceptable for the general public), but lately (and by lately I mean the last two weeks), it’s been you know. The other ones. The ones that nobody really wants to be on the receiving end of. I try not to put animate objects on the receiving end of them. Hopefully I’m somewhat successful. We’ll see how many people hate my guts in the coming weeks.
Where is this all coming from? I think it’s coming from this archaic belief that I must be perfect at work. Now that I’m getting this second chance, HOW AM I NOT BEING PERFECT YET?! And if I’m not perfect, God should smote me down. That’s what one part of my brain is telling the other part of my brain. And by telling I mean yelling. And unfortunately, right now, the crazy side is winning.
I guess it’s a work in progress. Hopefully with this second chance, I also learn how to not be a crazy person and enjoy life while also doing the thing I’m supposed to “love”.