Accepting Where I Am In Life

I hate that word. Accepting.  Acceptance. Ugh.  Why do I need to accept anything? Why can’t I just go on being stubborn and just make everything the way I think it should be in my head? Tried that.  Turns out, that’s not the greatest idea.  Well, that’s not true.  I think it’s important to keep that vision of the world in your head, but at the same time be real about how and when and what it’s going to be like getting there.  The being real part is where the acceptance comes in, I think.  Also, it helps to not go insane.  Like beating yourself up over not being perfect yet.  Ok let me rephrase that.  Beating yourself up over not doing as good as you could be doing.  That’s also quite false.  What could I be doing? Lots of things.  Am I better than where I was a year ago? Oh yeah. Most definitely.

So what was I doing a year ago? I don’t know. Oh wait…I write a BLOG. That shit is DOCUMENTED.

• NextDrop had died.  And I was figuring out what the fuck I was going to do with my life.
• I was in London! Judging a Unilever entrepreneurship competition (ironic since my company was doing quite shit- the irony was not lost on me).
• I was in the process of redoing my life from scratch.
• Basically having a life meltdown.

SO taking more stock of my life as it is today. I am still 29 and I turn 30 in a few weeks. This is what my life looks like:

Resolutions:

• I have decided that I’m going to give it my all in business.  That’s going to be my thing. I’m going to be an entrepreneur in the water sector.  As my first business.  And then I’m going to have more businesses.  Maybe at the same time.  Maybe at different times. I don’t know.  But I love the rush.  It’s fun.
• I have decided that I am going to see the people I love as often as I can
• I am going to spend the rest of my life with my man best friend boyfriend, Sumit.
• I am not going to waste life being stressed out and unhappy and unjoyful.  I’m going to take that stick up my butt and shove it somewhere else (hopefully in the recycle bin).
• I am going to be grateful for what I have because man I have a LOT.
• I am not going to ignore problems- I am going to face them head on.  That’s what got me into this hot mess in the first place.
• I am going to be a kinder and more compassionate person, especially to myself.  And then everyone else around me.

The reality

• I am super broke.  Broke to the point where my parents just bought me a new computer because they are super nice and felt really bad for me.
• I am very judgmental.  I mostly judge myself, but because of this I also judge other people.  It’s a very un fun place to be.
• I swing between truly believing I can do this, to oh god I’m bat-shit crazy.   I’m hoping I can even out to a place of more sustained confidence.

The other reality:

• I have amazing friends and family and I have a lot of love and support in my life. Some of my friends and family are so nice and they know I’m super broke and they pay for things.  Not because I ask, but just because they are amazing, generous people.  I am really motivated to work my butt off and do the same for them.  I need to stop letting shame and pride get in the way.  I was judging myself for being almost 30 and not having my shit together.  But you know what? What if I just flipped it and was just grateful for having some amazingly generous and kind people in my life? And be incredibly and deeply grateful.  And work towards showing that same sort of…grace….I think that’s the right word…back one day.  That’s the goal

So that’s where I’m at.  A broke, almost 30 year old with big dreams and a lot to be grateful for in life.