Do you ever feel like the pieces of happiness are right there, right in front of you, you’re just not putting them together the right way? That’s how I feel right now. It’s so infuriating because I feel like I’m so close and yet, somehow, it’s just evading my reach.
One big thing I’ve realized is that what got me here won’t get me to where I want to be. What does that mean? It means that I have to chuck every strategy and method I’ve used over the past 29 years and get new ones to get me to where I want to go in my 30’s.
The main difference, at least in my head, is really about feeling. I’m one of those people that avoids feelings like the plague. I like to compartmentalize, avoid, work over/through and pretend that feelings are some alien concept to me until the cows come home (or populate the streets of Bangalore). I think it’s because I’m terrified of what I feel. Half the time I don’t even know what I’m feeling, and the other half I pretend like they don’t exist. I’m terrified of the work that it takes to actually face them head on. Does this mean that I’ll never be successful? Will I turn into a bag of mush and never be able to leave my house through the sheer lack of will due to the terrible nature of this thing we call the human existence? (Do I need to redefine my definition of success??)
These are the questions that terrify me and make me want to keep avoiding feelings for all of eternity. Except…I know deep down that this is a terrible idea. I know that avoiding my feelings got me this far, but I also know that if I want to be the best version of myself, I need to tap into this part of me that’s been dormant for 29 years.
What worries me? The fact that I already cry like a baby at movies like A Cinderella Story (yes, with HILLARY DUFF THAT ONE JUDGEY MC JUDGERSON). That’s with me TRYING to suppress these feelings. My greatest fear is that I will be one hot mess that can’t even find the will to get up in the morning.
What do I have going for me? Well, I’ve already been a hot mess, and I figure I can get out of that so even if I do turn into a big bag of mush, I’ve been there. I mean the hot mess bit. And I’m sort of on the other side (at least to me it feels that way), so really this won’t be new.
I still think the potential upside far outweighs the downside. Hot mess vs…a more fulfilled life? Yeah, I’ll take that.
What does this look like? I still don’t know. But I’m starting from ground 0 again. And if I’ve done it in a big way before, I’m probably going to avoid it. Try something new.
What is this new stuff? I guess that will be the content of future blog posts.
To be continued.