I Don’t Know What My Perfect Life Looks Like

I know you’re not really supposed to say that, especially since I’m almost turning 30, but I’m kind of tired of stressing myself out with planning things. I do think there’s some benefit to some life plan, I mean it logically makes sense.  But I also know that I made a plan and nothing (literally, I mean nothing) went according to the plan.  And I love my life. Like seriously, I’m so lucky.  I could have never planned this.  And I spent so much energy beating myself up over having failed plans (or at least my subconscious did) when I could spend my time I don’t know…enjoying my life and being happy as a clam.

Maybe there’s a middle ground. The controlling side of me hates the idea of not planning anything.  And I do think that planning is somewhat useful.  But maybe it’s around the types of things we plan.

Or maybe there’s a different approach.  Maybe I know what I’m optimizing for.  Maybe I know that I’m trying to grow the most as a person, all the time.  Learn about the world and other humans and live a life of wonder and awe.  Maybe it’s around not knowing, but just making sure that there are ups and downs to everything, and you accept whatever consequences life gives you.  I just know one thing. I don’t want to live a life with regrets.

As women (hell, maybe men too) we think about time bound potential regrets:

  • I want to get married (is this one time bound anymore? Probably not?)
  • I want to have a kid

Ok wow. I have ONE. Having a child.  So this is what it’s all about.  I’m also starting to question this idea.  Do I want a kid of my own? Do I want a child? I have no idea.  I think at this point I could go either way.  And maybe that’s enough for now.

I used to think life is like a game of chess.  But seriously, do you really need to be planning the end game when you make the first move? I mean who are you playing against- God? Your higher self? Life is more like…Blackjack.  I think we’re all kind of swimming along and we take it as we comes. Sometimes you nail it, you beat the house.  And sometimes, it just all goes to shit. But at the end of the day, you have to enjoy playing.  Whether you win or lose.

But it kind of sucks if you’re trying to play Chess when really you need to be gearing up for Blackjack.  I feel like the mindspace is totally different for both.  Maybe that’s been my problem.

Who knows. Maybe I’ll have more information in a few years.

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