Why Meditation Scares The Crap Out Of Me

Mostly because it forces you to face yourself.  Nobody really tells you that.  They always talk about the wonderful medicinal benefits, but really, you have to go through hell and back before you see those benefits (that’s the asterisk and small print we don’t ever read).

The voices in my head during meditation/regular life?  They yell at me and tell me I’m not good enough mostly.  They scream at the top of their lungs HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BUSINESS OR THE WORLD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY ARE YOU NOT QUITTING AND GETTING A NORMAL JOB YET.  Also the favorite YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ALL THESE MISTAKES AND THEN YOUR LIFE WILL BE AWFUL AND YOU WILL HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE WILL HATE YOU.  Finally, the chorus ends with something about YOU AREN”T PERFECT AND THUS YOU ARE TERRIBLE WHY DO YOU EVEN TRY PS YOU ARE FAT AND EVERYONE PROBABLY HATES YOU ALREADY.

Luckily, lately, I’ve  been learning how to listen to those voices and pretend like I am talking to the psycho that lives in my head that feeds my psychotic lies.  And I breathe through it and just think to myself, ok.  So what? There is pretty much nothing I can’t come back from.  If people come back from cocaine overdoses and go on to find god and start the next big thing since sliced bread, how the hell will I NOT be ok? Yeah I’ll probably mess up.  Maybe a lot (and by maybe I mean definitely). Maybe with systems that shouldn’t be messed with and I’ll burn my fingers and then not do that again.  Maybe nothing will happen and I’ll be like..cool. So this is the new boundary.  But you have to push the boundary. And the only way to do that is to realize that the voices in your head are not very nice.  They lack compassion. The real you is actually quite compassionate and forgiving.  The real you is the one that is noticing all these conversations going on in your head.  Some people call it “awareness” some people call it “soul”. I just call it the “real me”.

The real me actually says, well. I was made a certain way, and if things or circumstances needed to be changed then they would.  I must be enough the way I am.  Perfection is not the point. Ever.  In fact, perfection is the delusion we all live with.  You know the reason it’s not the truth? Because it’s different for everyone.  How can a universal truth be different for everyone? It can’t.  So there.  (Take that perfection).

And then once I am more advanced in meditative practices, the “real me” will probably be able to realize.. dude.  Why am I talking to a psycho? Why am I feeding psychotic tendencies? Why is that a thing I am doing in the first place?

Definitely not there yet, but at least that’s where I know I need to go.  Just…letting go of the psycho that somehow lives in my brain and has set up permanent shop.