I’ve recently come to the sad realization that I used to starve myself. Starve may be exaggerated, and it was not on purpose and not in very obvious ways, but I think my deepest fear was that I would not be thin. And I would unconsciously do things in the name of “health”. Namely, I would not eat enough. The fact that I have always been super lazy when it comes to food doesn’t help. But if there wasn’t a healthy option around (read: most of the time) I would wait until I got home and eat something (again, probably not enough). The only reason I even noticed this was because I fell sick this week, and I noticed that I had not been sick in a while. I also noticed I am sleeping much better and I had far fewer headaches than I used to have.
Additionally, most people have been commenting on my weight gain. I must say, I have gained weight in places I didn’t even realize I could gain weight. I’m sure there’s more places that exist to gain weight in, but it’s just…very strange.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I just can’t go back to the way I (now realize I) was: Semi-starved, always something wrong, irritated, sleep deprived, and generally quite shitty. If I had to pick weight gain or that, I pick weight gain.
Now the trick is to figure out how to eat enough AND go back to the way I was 6 months ago. Just because that felt a lot better. And I think that’s important too. Feeling good about yourself.
It’s just going to be a lot lot lot harder than I ever anticipated.
I suppose I must go back to the drawing board.
Such is life.