Not like I thought I was going to die or anything- I just…had absolutely no clue how my life was going to turn out. It was just a black hole after 28 (literally, age 28. Not 26, not 31, 28). So it shouldn’t be shocking that in my 28th year of life, there has been a lot of existential crisis-ing.
I think I’ve been making a lot of decisions with my gut over the last 4 years (pretty exclusively I may add) and the rest of me is trying to catch up. Mostly my head. Because it is exploding with conundrums and paradigm shifting…let downs really.
The harsh reality is that if you don’t create a version of yourself in your head, your subconscious will do it for you. And that subconscious will fill this version of you (or what you’re supposed to be) with ideas and paradigms that it sees around.
Meaning: I set myself up to fail and be disappointed when my brain caught up with…the real me. Because let me tell you, I pretty much do…NOTHING I’m “supposed” to be doing. Said another way, I’m kind of exclusively… a-typical. And my brain has been having a really hard time computing this. It’s just been really angry and self hating actually, to be perfectly honest. And it sucks. This self hating thing I mean.
I’ve literally spent the last month or so catching up with what I thought I was supposed to be and who I really am. And most of it has been shocking and surprising (to nobody but myself I may add).
I’ve had the privilege of being able to really do whatever it is that I’ve wanted to do with my life. And be whoever it is I want to be. It’s funny when you do that though. Because it takes an adjustment period when you realize…you’ve stepped over to the other side. There’s no turning back now. You’ve made too many choices to be able to keep your feet in both worlds- the “normal” world, and the world that you’ve created over the last 4 years for yourself.
It’s a really really really strange thing when you realize that crossed the point of no return. Mostly because I’m not used to commitment. Ask anyone who knew me back in college or before. I was all over the place. And I preferred it that way. But now, after I’ve had time to let it sink in, I’m actually…ok with it. I’m actually excited about it. I get to hit the reset button in life again. I’m recreating the mental version of myself given my new trajectory in life. This time I’m going to be proactive about it- visualizing my 30’s.
“When you let go of what you are, you become what you might be”
– Lao Tsu
I’m officially on to my next new adventure, which is an internal one, and I think spread over the next decade. Coming into my own with the words/phrases I (now) identify with: Woman, tech, startup, maverick, joy, partnership, mother, leader, design, compassion, growth, accountability, spirituality, fun, self love, style, discipline.
Wow that’s a lot. But it’s good. It’ s going to be good. I’ve decided it’s going to be good.
And I feel like that’s the first step anyway.
Deciding the way it’s going to be. Or at least the way you’re going to respond to it.