I Can’t Put Lipstick On Right (And Other Things I Just Cannot Do)

I have this vial of lipstick that one of my best friends from high school gave me, and it’s fire engine red and awesome and I thought hey.  Lets try using it all the time.  Only problem is that I have no idea how I should be using said makeup.  Mainly because I am appalled that I have to do more than just swipe it on in the morning.  WTF ADS, YOU LIE TO ME! 12 hour long lasting blah blah blah my butt.  By 4pm I felt cracking and peeling and by 5 I thought my lips were going to DIE.  It was awful.  HOW DO PEOPLE CARE FOR THEIR LIPSTICK?! It’s like a whole new person you have to care for on your own face.  I CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF PEOPLE.  I’m proud when I get enough sleep and shower and eat 3 meals a day.  On good days I go to the gym and eat vegetables. On even better days I cook something that resembles food. That’s about the extent of my personal skills here.  

And another thing. Eye liner.  It always looks sort of charcoal pencil-y.  I feel like there are solutions for this. Like gel things maybe.  I have this on the list to Google but I am never satisfied with it.  I also blame the lighting in my house.  And by blame the lighting in my house, what I really mean is that when I get ready I am usually somewhat lazy to turn on the lights.  So really, I think I look great and then I go outside and I see my reflection somewhere and I’m like…WHOA.  What just happened here? But by then I’ve already left the house and like I said I’m sort of lazy so..you know. (Note: This is sometimes prevented by my roommate who acts like my mirror and doorkeeper and tells me to change outfits or iron outfits, but sometimes I have to leave the house earlier than she gets up so on those days, that’s when all hell breaks loose).  

 ALSO.  I am so anal about time.  I’m like Uncle Scrooge when it comes to my time.  I hate it when I’m late, or other people are late, or I don’t get to finish things, or I feel like I am wasting time.  I CANNOT RELAX ABOUT TIME.  I feel like if I ever have a heart attack, it’ll be something related to time.  (I think that could potentially be something pretty philosophical, but I’m really too sleep deprived right now to dig deeper into that).   Also, did you notice that I said the word time 5 times in this paragraph? That’s how anal I am about time.  Not even trying to use a different word here. TIME.  

I’m not really sure where I was going with this.  But it felt somewhat therapeutic, I must say.  Like now maybe my brain knows that I need to learn this so elves will magically inception knowledge into my brain.

That, by the way, is TOTALLY how the world works. 

I’m just saying.