humor, relationships

Sometimes I Get Up in The Morning Thinking: OMG What If I Am Single FOREVERRRRR

Usually it’s accompanied by a bit of nausea, not the morning sickness kind, more the…I should go eat some food because I’ve been hungry for 8 hours kind.  It’s the more dull kind, in case you were wondering, and are one of those lucky people that never get sick.  (I hate you FYI. Only a little bit though).

But I digress.  The point is, yes, sometimes I think..holy shit.  What if I stay single FOREVER?! I mean seriously, what evidence is there that this will actually pan out here? (And by this, I mean relationships with, in my case, the opposite sex, of the romantic kind, just to be clear). When has this even been remotely close to happening at all EVER?!

And not in the self pity, woe is me sort of way.  More the damn, no really though, how do I even start thinking about this, can I just avoid it forever and 1984 this ish oh wait I can’t DAMN.  Oh god the terror.  The absolute and sheer terror of knowing that the ENTIRE WORLD HAS STARTED THIS PROCESS EXCEPT YOU.  Do you know how terrifying that feels? Sort of like Atlas, pre-shrug.  WHAT IS THIS THING THAT EVERYONE IS DOING THAT I HAVE NOT PARTOOK AND I PROBABLY NEED TO.  I have felt this way before.  Yes, it was in the 1st grade when everyone was playing cooties, and scientifically speaking I thought it was ridiculous because cooties don’t exist and I tried telling people that and they didn’t seem to care so I just waited it out and while EVERYONE WAS PLAYING COOTIES I..(I forgot what I was doing, I think I played on the monkey bars).  But see, my strategy was to wait it out and then everyone gets over it.  UGH.

See, the issue isn’t the actual being in a relationship with the person that you are totally and completely into.  IT’S EVERYTHING BEFORE THAT.  All of that … absolute SHIT that EVERYONE has to go through know. The good stuff.  HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT?! I think I would just cry all the time. Oh wait, yes I tried it once, that is EXACTLY what happened. What is this putting yourself out there business? UGH.

Fine. FINE. Considering I can’t avoid the pain, the horror, the terror, all of the shit, that is, probably, now that I think about it, part of the human experience, I may as well get on with it. No, I won’t go kicking and screaming (although I have thought about it) I’ll start this process with grace and dignity.

Oh who am I kidding, it’s going to be awkward and painful as balls.

Le sigh.

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