I have a pretty rocky relationship with my body. It’s somewhat schizophrenic and/or bipolar, because it goes from I LOVE YOU to OH GOD EW (and pretty much everything in between). Which kind of doesn’t make sense, because there’s no possible way I’ve actually changed within the span of 55 minutes (yes, sometimes it just takes that long to swing from one thought to the next- kind of like Tarzan, only less muscular and more mean).
Point is, I think we’ve (ok I can only speak for myself) I’VE been conditioned to be my own worst enemy when it comes to the way I feel about myself. Do I work out because I genuinely enjoy it? Is it for health reasons? Or is it secretly for fear of…the F word (FAT ok there I said it, DON’T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN).
And at the end of the day, does it even matter why I work out?
I used to think it didn’t because hey, isn’t the result the same? Good things overall? But recently, I’ve realized it actually does matter. Or at least it matters to me. Something that can actually be amazing and wonderful can change into nothing short of Siberian torture (ok I just made that word up but I feel like Siberians must have great torture techniques, that involve a lot of ice- YES I JUST GOOGLED IT!).
I mean, the psychological torture you go through when you think your self worth is linked to doing this thing called “working out” is just absolutely insane. And I don’t think it’s worth it anymore.
So now I’m…starting from the beginning. I am actually trying to get rid of my workout habit and make a new one. I.e. yesterday, even though I was itching to go to the gym, I didn’t. I sat down and thought about why I wanted to go instead. And if it was for reasons other than…something resembling oh that would just be nice, I didn’t go. Turns out it wasn’t. So home I stayed.
Because what’s the point of having a habit that also doubles as a curse? I don’t know, sounds like a bad deal to me. I’m opting out.
So now, I’m looking forward to this mental map relinking: One that doesn’t connect my self worth to my body fat percentage.
Lets see how this one plays out.