My Greatest Anxieties

So recently, I’ve sort of decided that the regular stuff, like having enough food to eat, shelter, clothing, etc…will sort itself out.  Yes money has always been an issue and is slightly worrisome especially working at a startup, but I’ve actually realized it tends to work itself out.  I mean it’s not like I’m going to be driving a Beamer anytime soon, but then again, I’m fine by that too.  Point is, general day to day things, I feel like they’re going to be fine.

I’ve moved on to different anxieties, which currently include the fact that no matter what I do, I can’t shake the fact that I’m not satisfied with myself.  Let me rephrase that: I choose not to be happy with myself.  I choose to be unsatisfied with most things about myself, which then makes me think that other people have this same perception about me.  The dangerous part about this, I’ve realized recently, is that it changes the way you interact with other people.  

Lets pretend you are completely satisfied with yourself: you know you’re not perfect but you’re pretty happy with who you are and where you’re at.  Someone says something to you- it can be as simple as telling you about their day.  If you have no real agenda except listening to what they’re saying (because hey, you’re pretty happy and content right now, bring it on world) you’re probably going to react in the appropriate way to what they’re saying.  Because you’re not viewing it through any lens other than…I’m just listening to what you’re saying.

For Example

Person 1: “Hey Anu, how’s it going? Oh man I went for this amazing run today- it was so great! I haven’t run like that in ages”

In My Head: Oh wow, that sounds so cool! I am so happy for her- she sounds so excited!

Anu: “Wow, that is amazing! Where did you run? How far did you go? I’m so excited for you- it sounds like you’re really getting into it!”

Person 1: “Totally! I feel so good about it, I forgot how much I love it, I just ran around the block a few times but it was so beautiful and I forgot how much I loved the morning when nobody was there.  Oh hey, you should come next time, it would be fun!”

In my head: Now that she mentions it, yeah, I HAVE been looking to start running with a buddy…what a pleasant coincidence!

Anu: “Oh man that would be rad! Lets do it! SO COOL!”

Now lets pretend you’re NOT completely satisfied with yourself- how does that change things? It means that whatever you hear, no matter what it is, will be warped by your perception of it.  Lets say someone is really just talking about what they did today.  Immediately, because you’re not satisfied with yourself, you start thinking about that persons day in relation to you, and if it’s really bad, you may ASSUME he or she is actually TAKING A JAB AT YOU.  Which, when I write that out, sounds absolutely crazy, but I realize that totally happens to me sometimes. It’s so embarrassing but also incredibly true.  

For example:

Person 1: “Hey Anu, how’s it going? Oh man I went for this amazing run today- it was so great! I haven’t run like that in ages”

In my head: Oh my god, I don’t exercise, I’m so fat, and now everyone knows I’m fat and everyone is getting thinner while I’m getting fatter and I can’t help it because I have work and I have all these other obligations and WHERE CAN I MAKE TIME TO EXERCISE OH GOD STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT JESUS

Anu: “Oh man, I wish I could run like that, it sounds amazing. I used to run and now I can’t and now I’m fat and terrible and I hate everything.”

Person 1: “oh. no…uhhh….ok yeah…I mean no…I mean…Ok I just remembered I have to do this thing so I’ll talk to you later ok bye.”

Isn’t it INSANE how your own head screws with you like that.  Man. It be crazy up in there.

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