Groped

Dear Man Who Groped Me Last Night on 13th Main Road,

First of all, I must say, kudos- my ass isn’t even that big and you managed to find it, slow down enough on your motorcycle to grab it, and speed up fast enough for me not to see the last 4 digits of your plates so that we could track you down and make you watch weird 80’s videos on sexual harassment after which I would probably quiz you and then get the court to mandate that you pick up litter off the roads for the next 5 years.  That must have taken some practice.  Good job.

I’m just wondering though, do you grab asses because you don’t know what female ass feels like? I have a few suggestions.  First, if you have a sister, I would try grabbing her ass, see what happens.  If you don’t have a sister, maybe try your mom.  When she’s not looking, just go up and grab it. Give it a squeeze. If your mother has died, and you don’t have a sister, maybe try it on a female relative. And if the thought of grabbing your mother/sister/cousin’s ass is weird/they would think it is not cool, I’m wondering why you think I’d find it amusing.  I’m just putting that out there.  Genuinely curious.

But hey.  Maybe you’re grabbing asses because you think it’s a skill you can build.  Like in the Olympics.  They’ll add ass grabbing to it.  I mean who knows, you could be right. Except I feel like you’re going to have a lot of competition, especially with those guys from Delhi.  They can grab asses with their EYEBALLS, they’re that good.  So if you’re trying to grab asses because you’re on the hunt for an Olympic gold medal, I’d suggest another sport. Like…curling.  Or something.

Finally,  I don’t know. This is the first time I’ve had my ass felt up ever, so I’m new to this.  I must say, I’m trying to understand where you are coming from (either from a lack of understand of what female ass feels like, Olympic Gold aspirations) who knows.  But I’m just putting it out there that maybe there could be alternatives where I don’t think you’re a total dick, and you can stop being that weird guy on the motorcycle who grabs asses.  I feel like this skill has greater potential. Like…saving kittens  stuck in burning bushes or…whisking away confidential documents before the wrong people read them or….I don’t know. ANYTHING ELSE.

I’m just saying.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who’s Ass You Just Grabbed Last Night

(I hope there was only one)