Failing on Purpose

Breaking up with dance is a really hard thing.  It sounds so great on paper, but when push comes to shove, I’d rather be doing a lot of other things.  It’s hard seeing everyone else around me get better, while I’m still about the same.  It’s nice because it really is true that if you put in the time, you can get better.  And it’s also very evident that when you don’t, you don’t move anywhere.  And that hurts a bit, in an unrealistic, I’d like to have my cake and eat it too sort of way.

It’s been weird doing something I’m not passionate about for a significant period of time.  Forcing myself to do these things because..I said I would.  I haven’t felt that sensation in…I don’t even know how long.  Probably since college.

It’s weird potentially disappointing people, disappointing yourself.  I don’t know why it’s a disappointment, but for some reason it feels that way.  Like I’m not living up to my potential somehow.  But I guess that makes no sense because that would assume I have infinite time.

I guess it’s weird letting go of an idea of the way life could be.  It seems so final, like you’re closing the door on a possibility. Which in reality, never actually existed.

It’s sort of sad in a way which I can’t put my finger on.  Like you’re doing the right thing, but it doesn’t make you feel any better about it.

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