Adding to the list of things I am terrible at, lets list down this concept of “dating”. I am the first to admit that if you had to list all of my strengths, this would be a distant last (I would even say “maid/cleaner” is currently rated higher in my life at this point, and that’s saying something given the usual state of my room.)
There’s a lot of excuses I could make here, but I think for once I’m going to assume responsibility. I recently came to the realization that the whole concept of having another person in my life terrifies the crap out of me. Like no joke, makes me want to pee in my pants, I would probably rather eat cockroaches at this point than try to understand this concept of “dating”, terrified.
So of course, as soon as I know something terrifies me, I HAVE TO DO IT. But I can’t do something unless I know why it’s useful. Bloody hell, me and my need to understand the big picture. So I have been thinking a lot about it. Why would I want this?
I don’t believe in the phrase “You Complete Me”. Damn that Tom Cruise. It makes me want to vomit and I think it’s so incredibly off base that it makes me want to cry my eyeballs out. That’s just glorified codependency, divorce waiting to happen ish. I just don’t believe people are born incomplete. Unless you don’t have a kidney or something. And even then you can get a transplant. But point is, I don’t want to start with the premise that we are born incomplete, waiting for something to come our way, because it just doesn’t make sense to me. So that train of thought was out right from the get go.
Love. I believe in it. But not really in the grand gestures, sweeping you off your feet sort of way. I really believe that it’s one of the most important things in life, it comes in all shapes and sizes, and it’s something to strive for. I also think romantic love is something you have to work at. Like all good things in life. And I just don’t think it happens overnight. I also don’t think it should take 25 years (unlike the premise of arranged marriage), but you know. I’m not exactly sure what that number is for me, but right now it’s between overnight and 25 years. Small range.
Sex. It’s a good thing. And it’s different for different people. The commoditization of sex over the past 30 years makes me a bit sad. I mean it’s cool, and super feminist, but I think now, sometimes, we’re not allowed to have a differing opinion about it (and wasn’t the point of feminism, the idea of choice?) Unfortunately or fortunately, I’m in the camp of, if I’m not in love, I just can’t have sex. I mean I physically can, but I don’t want to. I can’t bring myself to do it. And I have been dumped because of it, (how do I know, because they straight up told me) but hey. That’s just what I believe. Not in a judgmental, this is how it needs to be sort of way, just more in a, this is the only way I know how to be and I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t live like this sort of way.
Partner in Crime. I love this phrase. Not only because I think that’s what Beyonce and Jay Z are (and I’m obsessed with them) but because this is what I have realized is what I want. A partner in crime. I truly believe that when 2 people (NOT incomplete, but whole people) come together, really amazing things happen. I’ve seen that happen at our startup. That’s when I became a believer. When I witnessed that magic happen. And that’s when I started thinking, wow. What if that was the point of a partner for life? To be your partner in crime? For all the grand master plans that both of you have, Bonnie and Clyde style, making them happen and creating this wonderful thing called a life together? And then with that Partner in Crime, adding the benefits of love, sex, shared experiences, memories, bun masala, friends, family, the kitchen sink, (kids?!), man. That’s insane. That’s something worth working towards. The possibilities are endless, and really really inspiring.
I think that’s something worth having. A partner in crime, that you love, and share the good things in life with.
Too bad I’m still effing terrible at this whole “dating” thing. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. But at least I have some motivation.
Le Sigh. So much to work on. So little time.