Fear

I think my biggest fear is the fear of wasting time.  To the point where it inhibits my normal, humanoid functioning activities.  I think I’ve always known this, but recently I became acutely aware of it.  I don’t even go out and explore new things for fear that I would have wasted my time if I don’t like it.  Which is crazy because…well…when I put it like that it just sounds insane.  It’s insane that I have commoditized time to such a degree that I won’t even go out and enjoy life.  Not to say I don’t enjoy my life, but I think sometimes when you don’t think about something, or do it consciously, it just happens.  Because I was thinking about what I do- I do the SAME things every time I get some free time.  And after a point, it starts to get old.  I guess it’s almost like a free time rut.  (Is that a thing? I’m making it one now).  Not that I get a ton of free time, but when I do, I want it to be fulfilling.

Here’s a novel thought- maybe the fact that I think I HAVE to do something in my free time is the problem. Maybe the whole problem is that I think I need to be “productive” or “accomplish something” or… “do something” or “be fulfilled”.  Maybe this is the crux of the entire issue. Putting pressure on yourself to deliver something at the end of free time, maybe defeats the whole purpose of free time?

Maybe I should just try doing…nothing. OH GOD.  Even writing that down made me start hyperventilating.  Ok, now I know this is the problem.  Yup, I feel my throat constricting.  My hands are shaking a bit.  This is my big fear.

Ok.  Now I have to figure out how to work on it.

Ok I need to stop  writing now because I seriously can’t breathe it’s so terrifying.

(The sad part is I’m not joking).